Tired of myself...

You don't really have to read this. I just need to let the steam out.

I don't like people who complain a lot about many things. They are not pleasant to hear and they aren't nice to talk and be with. I don't want to be this person who I dislike. I don't want others to feel what I feel when I hear them. I don't like influencing others with my bad mood.

Today I think I've had enough.  Please at least allow me to let this out or it might burst out in another way. Today is I think the first time I told myself I'm tired of me like this. I got tired of hearing myself questioning things for being "not right". "Not right" because in every "right" I believe in, there must exist a real Right which stands between me and somebody else's "right".

I am not the worst person on earth. I'm actually pretty positive and always grateful for many things - big and small. I remember how my friends at university would compliment me for being inspiring. They ran to me when they're confused of something. I help them see the other brightly opened windows around them. I used to write poems for the university magazine. I occasionally wrote some essays  on the local journal which theme is to appreciate life in many ways. I was true to myself when I wrote those. I always am. Now I am being true to myself as well but I am writing something which I myself don't even want to read again.

It was difficult at work today. NO, not because it's Monday. I really don't like when I hear people around me saying it's Monday so it's a difficult day. To be honest, days never matter to me. I never had this bad association with Mondays until I moved here and started hearing it from people all the time. Although sometimes I would really say that Mondays are very "heavy" days at work but I still refuse to accept that it is because of Monday. I believe that it's you who make your day. I try to do that. In fact I like Mondays because it is the beginning of a week. I always like "beginnings". I came to work today with big a smile. The weather wasn't that bad. It was raining but the rain is mild, you know that kind of relaxing rain? It wasn't too cold and I wore my favorite shirt. Then slowly one by one, failures at work started happening. Stupidity here, inefficiency there. Attitude here and there. Please don't get me wrong. I am not trying to point fingers at everybody while not seeing all my other fingers pointing at me. I wish I could just bring you here and show you what's really going on. But what for? I'm sorry I even thought of that. I don't need to prove myself to anyone. In the end, it doesn't really matter who's right or wrong. What matters is the effect that was caused by the real situation. It's just really not easy for me to deal with someone who can't be consistent. It is difficult to talk to someone who already speaks the same language as you do but still does not understand you. It is disappointing to work with someone who can only play the role of their position but does not fully understand it.  It is frustrating to work when you've put your heart on it and you were not even met halfway. It is very demotivating to work when the other side don't do their part correctly. It is hopeless to expect when expectations are understood very differently. It is deafening to hear demands which are so unreasonable, illogical which bases I can't even dig from the deepest core of the earth. I got tired seeing and noticing them almost everyday. I've complained so much that it's choking me now.

I am tired hearing myself say it very often. I am tired of myself - of what I have become. I miss my old self, I mean my younger self. I'm asking myself where all the inspiration of daily happiness was coming from? I miss those days when I just go out and see somethings - nature or people which brings enlightenment. I really miss those moments. I honestly really really do. I want to see good things, happy things, not only for me but I want to see happy, smiling people around me. It is just so radiating. I am so sorry to admit that I am tired of grim faces. I'm really sorry if that is just the way it is, but I am sick of it. I can't take more of this. I tried to accept it the way it is. I still do and always will try to do so. But it's just getting more and more like  a burden to me. I keep on telling myself that it is just me. That I have to change my attitude towards it. What is there to change when I was already then a positive person? I have convinced myself that I must fight this. I have to believe in good things (I always do). But sometimes things can just really get overwhelming. How long can I lie to myself? How long can I live blindfolded believing that if I ignore such, I'll be fine. It's never easy to swim across the current. I don't know if I will ever make it through or I simply have to float along the current. I don't want to!

I love beautiful things. I love the earth, I love LIFE! It's beautiful. I like people. I want to enjoy but it not easy to enjoy alone (alone includes my hubby). I want to be surrounded with happiness, with happy people. In that way, there is no need to exert effort in being happy. It comes along the way, just as the wind blows spontaneously. All I need is nicety all around me.

I don't want to blame others for this. Neither can I blame myself.