Worryfreak...not!

And I thought that I'll have more spare time this week. It didn't  happen and it isn't happening. There is no problem, just lots of work to do.

I have already minimized my working days this year but I  still feel that I 'm working much. I'm not lazy, the problem in fact is that I can't  relax. Even if I'm home on weekends, I still tend to drag thoughts from work and sometimes start working. Sometimes I  want experience not doing & thinking about anything. I don't know if that's possible. I keep thinking of what has to be done. I hate myself for being like this. There was a time when I  feel that if I don't  worry, something's gonna go wrong. I thought I 've passed it, I  found myself one day not worrying before falling to sleep. But it seems to be coming back. I'm  on this state again. I don't like it, it's  draining. Last night I went to bed physically very tired but mind is anxious. I forced myself to sleep hoping that I 'd feel different when I wake up. Well, I  woke up very early thinking about yesterday. There were unaccomplished things yesterday and I  can't  stand leaving one day before I can attend to them. I want them done coz there are others which are already scheduled for next week. Everything has its own time.  Whew! I think I should be relaxing really, it's Sunday.

At least blogging gives me a lil break.

So how are you guys? Excuse me if I  don't often see your updates. I'll visit from time to time.

Spring Fastrack

Spring cleaning. Spring sickness. Spring Camp. Spring semester. Spring oranization. Spring fever. Spring everything... tied me up so tight tight that I couldn't even upload some pictures or visit blogs. My hectic schedule will just loosen up after this weekend. I am hoping to start a new, more stressfree work season. I am looking forward to a stressfree daily life too but I 'm not sure it'll come exactly at this moment.

My youngest brother is graduating from college tomorrow and I am  really happy for him and my parents. For one one hand I feel sorry that I'm not there  to witness  and support him. He's going to receive 3 medals and he's pretty proud that my parents will have to go up on stage for that. I was supposed to make pictures & videos for his big day. I told him I was gonna go home at the end of January. I was expecting that my residence permit application would be rejected. But they told us at the immigration office to wait for another month. Two months passed and still I haven't  got an answer. I couldn't have gone home because in case the IO calls me in, I  have to report at once. For other hand, I'm also happy that I am still here. It only means that my papers haven't really been rejected (yet maybe). My husband and I wouldn't mind living in the Phils or maybe even somewhere else. But we wanted to live here for sometime. Plus we've spent a lot of money and effort coming here. Making these papers also caused lots of stress and trouble to our families. I want it all justified.  Oh how do I hate "red tape"!

Spring is here and the city is getting warmer and sunnier. Peopke are becoming kinder and more cheerful. I hope that positive vibes start going round and will eventually come to me.

As for now, let us celebrate SPRING ! :)

Self-defeating Lies

Somebody said it's when people say they're  ok even if they're not. 

Or when people say "I'll be fine" even if they know  they won't  be, somebody added. 

"When you convince others that your spouse loves you even if you know that he/she doesn't." , a young woman in her late twenties said. 

... laughter came next ... and then silence. 

"It is probably the most devastating lie one could ever live with." , a middle-aged man uttered.

"But what is really self-defeating is when people keep on blaming others for everything that is bad in their lives. This is bad, that is bad and that's  because of you, him, her and them. Everybody except themselves.", a woman in her early forties added. 

I asked if she meant when people point a finger on others while all of their other fingers are pointing at themselves. 

She said, yes, because they just keep on letting this bad things continue to happen in their lives instead of waking up and realizing that it is them...and only them can do something to change it. Not their parents, not their neighbors or colleagues neither the government BUT them. 

"You can't change others to make it better for you. You can only change you!"

But my point is sometimes it is not a lie that makes people blame others and deny themselves of the guilt. Maybe they aren't  even conscious of what they are doing. Maybe it is simply a matter of attitude.

If they are conscious about blaming others for a mistake they in fact are guilty of, then yes, it might be the most self-deafeating because sooner or later guilt will start hunting them and there is no way to run away to. 

Don't  you think so?

Random & Anonymous

1. How can you expect cooperation if in the first place you don't make them feel that they "belong". There is always a "you" knowing what's  happening and "them" left alone to figure out what's  up.

2. What's with the "allegory"?! What is the "successful & effective" thought behind it? Why not say straight? That way is easier and respectful. Nothing is achieved by "hoping" someone will get exactly the thought which you are trying to convey by NOT saying it.

3. Simple manner! If you need something, let the person whom you're asking from know who you are at least and what you are asking it for. Since when have manners been forbidden and on what purposes?

Precious Time

I said, childhood. It is gone forever. We can't go back to it, change or add something to it. We only possess memories of it. 

Someone said it's the pure, clean nature. Pollution is everywhere nowadays. 

Somebody said, difficult times. Everything seem to be easy in todays world with all the technological advancement.

She (a woman in her forties) said, "time" all times. Every split second is gone...forever. We can never turn it back. All we have is a moment  for everything we are doing.

It all make sense but I 'm kinda looking for more answers. I believe that there are more which probably haven't  even entered my mind.

What times do you think are gone forever?

On Living and Existing

... that was the question.

Existing is like living a robotic way. Like a machine, your body functions, your body has some needs which you answer to. You wake up, you sleep, you get hungry - you eat and so on and so forth. 

Whilst Living is when you live a dream, you take challenges, you fear, you love, get hurt, laugh and cry according to emotions. 

It was an explanation from a 40 something year old man. 

A question was raised by a 30 year old man, whether staying in your comfort zone is existing or living.

Few agreed that it is merely existing because you stay in your comforts. You only take  what is easier and comfortable for you. You do not extend your existence outside your blanket. You are satisfied with what is merely there.

A young girl, 22 years old, begged to disagree. She said that it is commonly heard from many nowadays that they don't  want to go to work at 8am everyday, come back home in the evening, do weekend shopping, visit relatives on Sundays. They don't  want this kind of existence and they call people who live like that merely existing. Her point was, no matter what kind of life a person is living, you can't say they are not "living". Everybody has someone or something to love. A construction worker for example goes to work, does his job, takes money and brings it to his family whom he loves and in return loves him back. So he has a life, he is living. Even  the most feisty person has a cat or a pet to love. Everybody has emotions.

The 40 something year old man interrupted. "How sure are you that those people like what they are doing and love their life? If a person is doing something like going to work, providing for a family or feeding a pet, it doesn't  mean they always like it. Some of them just have no choice but to live the way they have to", he added. 

It is difficult to say, everybody agreed. 

If those who do not like the circumstances in their life learn to accept and like it, then they'll start consciously doing things not in a robotic way but with a feeling that they like what they are doing. And maybe feel happy.

Will they start living and not merely existing?

We ended the conversation with an open ended question. 

If you have any insight to add or contradiction to point out, please feel free to share. 

Alternative Blog

No, I haven't  moved yet. But maybe I  can invite you to check out my other blog which is keeping me busy.

Meanwhile in Russia  

I've created it not long time ago when I decided to have a blog less personal than this one I have now. It's speaks about observations in Russia. I also thought that since I'm  staying here for awhile (quite long "awhile") the title of this blog doesn't suit anymore as I am not as mobile as before. It was "Here and There or Somewhere else" because we (hubs and I) were literally living here (either China, Philippines or Russia) that time. We were working in China and we used to spend summer holidays in Russia and winter holidays in the Philippines (where there is no winter). And on short holidays, we travel Somewhere else (around China). We were living quite a wonderful life full of travels and adventures. And it was going on for 8 long years. But anything that eventually becomes a routine, gets anyone tired and bored. Human as we are, we always want something new, something different. And the fact that even birds build a nest for settling, we too thought that it might be a good idea as we're  not getting younger as a couple.

Now, the thing is, few weeks after I've  created that blog, I  learned that I  might have to leave Russia. It's  a complicated story. Well  not so, it's  rather sad than complicated. But I  just don't  want to heighten the issue before the final result comes on hand. It was another thing on my plate right after the passing away of our dearest grandma and our favorite cat. The theme was "leaving". They "left", now I'll have to leave too (not eternally of course, God forbid).

The title "Meanwhile in Russia" supposed to mean things that are happening here while all other things are happening in the world. But now it looks like it'd mean "Meanwhile I'm in Russia". :)

So if I leave, that doesn't  make any sense continuing the blog with the same title. That is why I'm  keeping this one as my main blog but apparently, I've discovered troubles in it. 

That is not the only thing. I have created this blog when I was in China and when Blogger was still accessible from there. Later that time, it was blocked and I luckily could only get access from time to time. If I  leave Russia and I go back to China, I  will not only be able to continue my blog about Russia but I  will not even be able to access to your blogs nor my own. Together with many other sites, Google products are blocked in the country. 

What to do? Nothing but continue blogging meanwhile I'm in Russia. :)

Question to Ponder 1

sunny mornings! and holidays of course :)

Snowy Autumn

First snow has fallen today.

I came out from work quite pleased. People weren't difficult today. There was no unpleasant interaction, neither with the clients nor with colleagues. They seemed to be calm and relaxed.

It was me who wasn't in the best shape today. I was already feeling dizzy on the way to work. The temperature was only -2. I bade farewell to my favorite autumn clothes and wore my winter clothes the first time in October today. Once again I felt how much time it takes to dress up in winter, how heavy it is to walk with layers of clothes. I have to keep some chocolate in my bag all the time in this season for it saves me from dizzines and throwing up when cold attacks.

I was quiet at work, was productive and satisfied. As I have said everybody was calm. Only if everyday is like today. :)

Maybe it's because of snow. I've noticed that last week was difficult. People seem to be anxious, I was impatient and intolerant. It maybe has something to do with the weather. Like it supposed to be cold but it's still not. I associate it with the feeling when it's hot and it's likely to rain but it simply wont fall. It is so uneasy. The same thing happens here. I've already noticed that 2 years ago during my first full season experience here. It was even more obvious to me then because everything was new and different. People usually behave either aggressively or apathetically during these transition periods between seasons.

Today it's "officially" winter. Very early winter but it is already winter. Season has settled, so do people. Now it's going to be quiet and calm  like a bear preparing to hibernate.

P.S.
I saw this poster about Monday from a friends fb wall today. I like this version much more than other popular quotes about "manic Mondays".

I hope you had a good Monday; a good start too. ☺

Tired of myself...

You don't really have to read this. I just need to let the steam out.

I don't like people who complain a lot about many things. They are not pleasant to hear and they aren't nice to talk and be with. I don't want to be this person who I dislike. I don't want others to feel what I feel when I hear them. I don't like influencing others with my bad mood.

Today I think I've had enough.  Please at least allow me to let this out or it might burst out in another way. Today is I think the first time I told myself I'm tired of me like this. I got tired of hearing myself questioning things for being "not right". "Not right" because in every "right" I believe in, there must exist a real Right which stands between me and somebody else's "right".

I am not the worst person on earth. I'm actually pretty positive and always grateful for many things - big and small. I remember how my friends at university would compliment me for being inspiring. They ran to me when they're confused of something. I help them see the other brightly opened windows around them. I used to write poems for the university magazine. I occasionally wrote some essays  on the local journal which theme is to appreciate life in many ways. I was true to myself when I wrote those. I always am. Now I am being true to myself as well but I am writing something which I myself don't even want to read again.

It was difficult at work today. NO, not because it's Monday. I really don't like when I hear people around me saying it's Monday so it's a difficult day. To be honest, days never matter to me. I never had this bad association with Mondays until I moved here and started hearing it from people all the time. Although sometimes I would really say that Mondays are very "heavy" days at work but I still refuse to accept that it is because of Monday. I believe that it's you who make your day. I try to do that. In fact I like Mondays because it is the beginning of a week. I always like "beginnings". I came to work today with big a smile. The weather wasn't that bad. It was raining but the rain is mild, you know that kind of relaxing rain? It wasn't too cold and I wore my favorite shirt. Then slowly one by one, failures at work started happening. Stupidity here, inefficiency there. Attitude here and there. Please don't get me wrong. I am not trying to point fingers at everybody while not seeing all my other fingers pointing at me. I wish I could just bring you here and show you what's really going on. But what for? I'm sorry I even thought of that. I don't need to prove myself to anyone. In the end, it doesn't really matter who's right or wrong. What matters is the effect that was caused by the real situation. It's just really not easy for me to deal with someone who can't be consistent. It is difficult to talk to someone who already speaks the same language as you do but still does not understand you. It is disappointing to work with someone who can only play the role of their position but does not fully understand it.  It is frustrating to work when you've put your heart on it and you were not even met halfway. It is very demotivating to work when the other side don't do their part correctly. It is hopeless to expect when expectations are understood very differently. It is deafening to hear demands which are so unreasonable, illogical which bases I can't even dig from the deepest core of the earth. I got tired seeing and noticing them almost everyday. I've complained so much that it's choking me now.

I am tired hearing myself say it very often. I am tired of myself - of what I have become. I miss my old self, I mean my younger self. I'm asking myself where all the inspiration of daily happiness was coming from? I miss those days when I just go out and see somethings - nature or people which brings enlightenment. I really miss those moments. I honestly really really do. I want to see good things, happy things, not only for me but I want to see happy, smiling people around me. It is just so radiating. I am so sorry to admit that I am tired of grim faces. I'm really sorry if that is just the way it is, but I am sick of it. I can't take more of this. I tried to accept it the way it is. I still do and always will try to do so. But it's just getting more and more like  a burden to me. I keep on telling myself that it is just me. That I have to change my attitude towards it. What is there to change when I was already then a positive person? I have convinced myself that I must fight this. I have to believe in good things (I always do). But sometimes things can just really get overwhelming. How long can I lie to myself? How long can I live blindfolded believing that if I ignore such, I'll be fine. It's never easy to swim across the current. I don't know if I will ever make it through or I simply have to float along the current. I don't want to!

I love beautiful things. I love the earth, I love LIFE! It's beautiful. I like people. I want to enjoy but it not easy to enjoy alone (alone includes my hubby). I want to be surrounded with happiness, with happy people. In that way, there is no need to exert effort in being happy. It comes along the way, just as the wind blows spontaneously. All I need is nicety all around me.

I don't want to blame others for this. Neither can I blame myself. 

Those who impose on others

What if one tries to impose herself on you? What would you do?

We don't know each other well. She's new. We never had a chitchat yet. It was just her second week in the company.

She came up to me one day, showing me some papers and saying that I could use them, they're fun and that my clients might like them. I looked at them, she asked me if I had used them before. I said Yes. She continued with the other paper and asked again trying to explain what they are about. I said okay. She left them on my table.

I haven't intended to use them because I have already used one of them long time ago. The other one isn't really my thing plus I thought that it might fit other groups instead, not mine.

I didn't refuse nor did I promise to use them.

Two days later, I asked a staff to make copies of some materials to be handed to my group that day. She came back with a thick pile of stapled papers. I thought that she just made me a thousand copy more than I needed. But as I was distributing the copies, I've discovered those papers which were left on my table. The papers which the new staff was trying to "suggest" to me. What were they doing there? I do not know.

Oh I guess I actually know. The new G probably told the other G to make copies of those papers on my table and hand them to me together with the copies I asked for.

I was in a pleasant mood that day, I didn't freak out (I never do in public), my blood didn't raise to its boiling point. I just calmly separated them from my papers and left them in the room.

My point is: Why do some people insist on what they want and what they think is right without even thinking what others thoughts are. It is clear to me that she has decided to impose herself on me. I do care about things like this a lot! I don't like when others tell me what to do or makes decisions for me. If I didn't use those papers she gave me, it's because I had reasons. I don't just forget to do things. I do things according to plan and with a conscious intention. And in the first place, who gave her the right to do that? It isn't a part of her job for sure! Funny thing is, it is actually MY job to find and choose materials the rest of us in the company should use. Hers is to entertain clients and assist key players if needed. That's it - as simple as ABC. I don't understand why for some people it is difficult to understand and keep their feet on the shoes they've been given to wear.

I was just thinking, is it because she just doesn't understand things much? I wouldn't say she's stupid, she does her job quite well (so far) in fact comparing to the previous ones. Does she think she can manipulate others because she's fast? Is she trying to impress somebody? Or is it just me being a difficult person? I'm not trying to be bias just because it is me who's involved here. But I believe that it is simply in no way right to impose yourself on others. To suggest is one thing but to insist is another. Suggesting is when she came showing me those papers but insisting and imposition is when she made a decision to make copies of her materials ans send them to my room - so I'll have no choice but use them? That is mean! Did she really think I'd just fall for that?

If I'm kind and nice, it doesn't mean I'm stupid.

Inter-Marriage

What does it take to be internationally married?

I'd say it's a variety of excitement, thrill, challenges, learning and continues growth.

Exciting in many senses. Physical, mental, moral and cultural differences bring thrill to the relationship.

They say opposites attract. It is true, even science says so. There's nothing can be more satisfying than having someone who loves exactly the things you may not like about yourself. There's nothing can be more fulfilling than loving and being loved for being different from each other. The more differences you find, the fonder you become towards each other.

In some situations you would find yourselves arguing about something insignificant for the mere fact that you've learned it both in different ways. Sometimes you'd emotionally disagree on things which triggers the moral standards you've grown with. There are instances in which you wished yours is what is his and vice-versa. In some cases you'd even end up debating on some political and social issues which concerns least about you and him together but you continue doing because you think it is right to defend your ideas. But at the end of each issue, what matters is how much you learned from each other, how much respect you gained from being open, honest with your words, reactions and feelings. It matters how much tolerant and accepting you can be of each other despite of many differences. And most all, it is exciting how you find compatibility amongst all your disagreements. It is also amazing to find some commonalities between you no matter how far and disconnected you countries and families are from each other. All of those, I believe are just stages on molding you husband and wife as one great partner.

Like any other relationships, it's always not all about thrills and excitements. Ours is full of challenges too. Aside from normal life's difficulties we got a bonus and it's a big one! It is a challenge which will take every drop of your blood for you are going to undergo a massive hemorrhoid battling to win every single document needed to be together. Yes, documentssssss I said. Bureaucracy is a twin challenge of our marriage. It was there even before we got married. So I'd rather say, it is a pre-requisite to Inter-Marriage. You hate papers, lines, payments and all the likes? Stay single and don't go anywhere except the four corners of your room and you'll be spared from those. In short, do not live at all! That is how I keep myself motivated at least. I choose to live, love and enjoy life so I must go through challenges which are laid upon my way. Before we got married, we needed lots of papers to prove that we are we and that we can be allowed to be married. After the marriage there were more, even more in fact. This time, these are papers which aim approval of both countries that we want to live/stay together. Again, it takes a lot of effort, money, time and stress. Having granted of living together in one place either mine or his country is not the end of the challenge. It is just the basic. All those documents gathered have to be renewed in one time or another. It is a continuous process of updates. It can slow down a bit but when we will have children, the process starts again, this time will be about children's documents which of course is attached to our documents.

These are but necessary evils in our lives. It is not easy to move from one place to another all the time, it is not the most comfortable feeling to fly 10 hours and more from one country to another. I cannot be the most calm when I have to go out bringing papers and money which is a matter of life to me and my husband in a city where crime threatens any individual anywhere, anyhow and anytime of the day.

How do I combat them? I take the COURAGE and PERSISTENCE. I bring with me much LOVE and SUPPORT from my husband. I PRAY, for SAFETY, GUIDANCE and PATIENCE so, no matter how difficult things would be, I will not give-up or feel hopeless and depressed.

All those, thrills and challenges bring colors to our lives. Colors does not always come in vivid, juicy and bright shades, sometimes they appear dark, pale and melancholic also. No matter what color it brings us, Life Goes On Positively! :)

--- lovelovelove---

Disclaimer:

The content of this post merely speaks about my experiences and relationship. I do not neglect the fondness and challenges of other relationships which are not Inter-Marriage. All my words here describe an Inter-Relationship alone, simply because I am in it. I do believe that in general, couples pass through the same level of experiences, just in many different ways. Everyone is created different as every relationship is too.

Expect the Unexpected

When I was younger, I used to believe that if I expect for the opposite, the right thing would happen. As I grew older, I thought that was rather stupid. I learned hard to do things systematically and logically. Seeing things happen accordingly, I was greatly convinced that if you just get things ready with all details checked, results would come correctly. But of course, because results are simply the outcome of an input. I became more expecting, strict and very mechanical. I enjoyed seeing results according to what I have prepared for. I felt good of myself being functional and productive. On the other hand, I became more disappointed of others when I cannot meet expectations from them. I became less trusting, in some cases, demanding. I turned out being perfectionist. I felt unfair in many situations when I did my part very meticulously so as to avoid mistakes but I still end up failing, not because I did not work hard, but because the other party did not exert the same effort as I did. This, led me from one disappointment to another. Later, I found my found my life becoming a one big complaint. I continued criticizing, complaining and hating I have drawn myself too far that I stopped seeing reasons to be happy. Until such time when I realized I am becoming the victim of my own set of expectations. Probably it was time to reboot my system.

Rebooting cannot be difficult if you have a good source of energy and hope. (",) I'm talking about my ever supportive and loving husband. He always has been more optimistic than me, there were times when he gets pissed too but it passes like an ocean's wave. It breaks and it calms down. With him, I learned to listen and open my doors and windows wider so I would see things working on larger picture. Accept possibilities, expect the worse at times, allow mistakes to happen.

In other words, expect the unexpected for you are not handling things on your own.

Chances...are they Worth Giving?

I'm actually not a big fan of giving second chances but at times, I also cannot have the heart not to give one especially when needed. For me, chances come before things happen. Everything is a Big Chance to do things right or wrong. After that is only a consequence. I also apply it to myself.

Yesterday, I was giving final exams to my students and there was one whose score is 6 points less from passing. He was not an a-hole but he missed too many classes. He tried to cope up on the last few weeks though especially when I announced the names of those who are in critical situation of failing or passing. He did well in his final oral test which is a memorized speech. In fairness I have seen the effort exerted. he passed the oral test but the daily class performance, he didn't. He came and asked me if his points 54 points means passed. I said no. Passing score must be at least 60. I know it was just a matter of 6 points so I took the initiative of giving him a chance to pass it because I saw that he was concerned about his grade. Ok, so, I asked him to go to another foreign teacher who will ask him questions (simple conversational) and if he will be able to converse and answer these questions, then I'll give him 6 more points then he'll pass.

He went to the other teacher, brought another student with him who speaks better English than him and then introduced this student as him. The teacher got confused who is who, so he asked me. I discovered that this student whom I just gave a chance to pass, was trying to put another student to answer for him. And since the other teacher is not their regular teacher, he probably thought that he wouldn't notice. Alright, I don't need to elaborate what it means. Yo can tell from my story.

In short he blew his precious chance up. And of course as soon as I discovered it, I called it off. No more chances. What he gets is what he gets. Now they got rattled. He and the other student started explaining which explanation doesn't fit any logic but theirs. Here are the explanations; (1)He said that he was afraid that he will not be able to answer the teacher's questions because his English is not that good so he asked another student to "translate" (first used term) for him. (2)He wanted to let the other student ask questions to the teacher but he cannot say it because his English is not that good. Please take note, he admits (and it is true) that his English is not good. Therefore, it has to be evaluated whether he deserves to pass or no, right? In the first place he already failed. I was just trying to be generous, it's just a matter of 6 points but I cannot give it for "free". He has to work for it as a student. All I require was to answer few questions (one more time, simple conversational questions). What I don't understand (well I actually do, I just don't wanna say that) is that how could they think that one student can answer for another?! Who's being evaluated in the first place? Who is going to receive the grade? How do you explain that? SIGH! This situation cracks my head every semester. It happens all the time. And I am so angry at myself that I let this happen again this semester. I was so careful and strict already ... but then it did happen again. :( Just because of a stupid CHANCE.

I got so upset and I caught myself in a tight situation yesterday. The student started bargaining, asking for another chance, begging, persuading...trying all different ways to get it back. I would be so stupid if I would have fallen into that. I'm pretty strict with my rules but at the same time I am very considerate, but when this is being abused, I end up getting  so disappointed. I regret that I even took the initiative of giving him a chance of passing. I regret that I felt sympathy for the student because I have seen that he was concerned of his grade. I like students who care about their grades (although in the first place he didn't 'cause he was often absent). And I regret that I was kind enough. And I do hate myself for putting me into such a situation. I don't like when somebody begs me, I get torn between what my mind or heart would say. I always follow mind but it eats up my heart. I don't like when somebody asks pardon from me. I am so rational that no matter how much my heart will be broken, I would still do what has to be done according to right reasoning. I did what I have to do!

Later I started thinking. My mind became pre-occupied with thoughts. It got all mixed up and my conscience started waking me up. What if I was wrong? What if it was all a misunderstanding? Was my decision Just? I really don't like the feeling. I couldn't let it go. I had to make another decision. I still can take things back before it is too late. I don't want to regret in the end. That would be double disappointment for me. first, I thought of giving him another exam? But how? Yesterday was my last day in school. Telephone exam maybe, but again, that happened last semester already that somebody was answering for allegedly sick student. I am just too smart to recognize the voice. That was something I would never do again. I didn't want the student to carry (in case) an unjust decision from me. But what if he was wrong? I would turn out stupid and that I cannot let happen.

When I got back home, I decided to talk to the other student who was supposed to "translate/answer" for him. He's a pretty honest boy, and a good student. I asked him what he was doing there with him during the test. He said, the other boy wanted to translate for him because he was afraid that he will not be able to understand the other teacher's questions. I asked again, and I told him just to tell me the truth because it could affect his grade too. I had to do that or else I wont get the truth. (I actually could charge him of connivance). So I asked,  if he was there to "translate" or to "answer"? He said, to "answer" and he suddenly asked sorry that he agreed to it, he said he knows it is wrong. So actually he was already admitting that they were trying to cheat.But again, I want to make things 100% clear. I don't want any single mistake to take place anymore. I asked him one more time, if he was there to "translate" or to "answer" instead of the other student. And the answer was "Yes teacher, he asked me to answer instead of him". GOTCHA! Problem solved! I just to needed to hear the truth. And so I did. My conscience was cleared. I am happy that I made the right decision of calling the chance off. And I'm happy that I haven't been unjust to him or to myself. And oh, by the way, I kept his messages just in case there'll be anything later... ",)

I failed him. The other boy, I didn't deduct anything from his grade and I thanked him for being honest to me. he tried to explain one more time the situation of the "failing boy" and tried to ask me for another chance. But No I simply cannot now that I know the whole truth that would be impossible. I delicately explained though how things should work. That an exam must be be given to the person who will receive the grade; that it is my job as a teacher to  give the right grades to the right students, pass to those who deserves to pass, fail to those who deserves fail. And I added that, if I don't do that, it is me who will be in trouble with the university because I am not doing my job correctly. It was nothing personal, just work. I could actually report them to their department, but I also don't want to give them more trouble. I'll just give them what they deserve. I said I don't want to talk about this anymore because the decision is final.

SIGH! I am clear with myself. Now it's up to them whether how they took it. All I know is I did RIGHT!

The Odds of Friendship

I'm not discussing about the odds of friendship in general. I'm just speaking about my personal experience. I used to write about topics which inspires me from both negative and positive forces in a way that everybody can relate. I don't do that anymore. Probably I have set the dream of "writing" "permanently aside". Not to mention it in a pessimistic way of "giving-up". I'm not giving it up...it's just not a priority anymore. It's not that it's elusive 'cause I know I could hunt it if  I want to.

Well anyway, I gotta cut off my long saucy intro's then.

Just lately some things regarding "friends" are trying to take part in my life again. It has been quiet for while. And now it's back to continue its drama.

Drama number One:

"I Miss You Friend"

Remember I was writing before about a person whom I considered a very close friend who later I discovered cheated on me regarding money matters? And also who cannot resist the temptation of creating, manipulating and hosting gossips? Maybe she's not really creating but I know she cannot resist adding woods to the fire. That's her weakness. I'd call it a sickness rather. And I know she enjoys doing that. How do I know? I have been there once, in that same old circle. I was first very affected that I was writing about my hatreds and disappointments about her but then I got tired of allowing her to piss my life off. So, I dumped her, without any drama, nothing, I left her just exactly the way she is. She didn't even know I did that. Only later when she realized I'm gone ... it was too late 'cause I'm solid gone!

That's pretty me. I do things without any further ados or warnings. Warnings are when you are not sure you wanna do a thing. But when you are, then things should work as either black or white. No chances, for chances comes ahead ... not after the damage. (well as for me at least).

So, as I was saying, many times she tried to reach out, but as I have said, it is too late already. I did what I think I have to do. I still talk like normal person who knows someone, but never the same. We met once and she cried telling me how much she missed me and how afraid she was that I will not greet her or something. Why afraid? Why the thought of me not greeting her? I didn't even think of that. I got no reason to create a sensation. I simply have no feelings for that anymore. That was probably what you call "guilt". Afraid of the monster she created herself. Later things lay-low. I was living as normally as it was for a long time already. I barely remember her existence. Until one day, she caught me again. Telling me one more time how much she misses me. What can I say but utter a grin. If  I'll try to let her know why I cannot be the same anymore ...would it bring any changes? Will she take back all those words and deeds before? Maybe yes, she might even beg for forgiveness. But the question is if I really want that still. Unfortunately the answer is NO. Just NO. I'm ok now, she's ok so we're ok. I'm happily living my life, she's probably happily living hers too. There is absolutely nothing to change right now. We let things happen so therefore when they happen, Let them Do so.

The only thing is that ... it looks like she cannot let go. It has been almost 3 years since I'm off her life, and she's still trying to reach out. I would understand if nothing wrong happened. Of course friends reach out. But obviously something went wrong and we both know that. Unless she really thinks I'm stupid that she can mold my head into her lies. ....all I can give is a sarcastic smile! -that's all.

Maybe she realized that I am actually a good person ... someone who can actually be a good friend? Huh-ha, I am ... but only to those who deserve. *winks*

Drama number Two:

"I'll Do it for You Friend"

"Let me handle it for you", "I'll do you a favor", "I got something for you" ... sweet and hard to refuse phrases, aren't they?

What if they are only words? Words that come out of the mouth like ... c02? like a belch maybe? How'd you consider that? I understand that many people perhaps do that to show off, to make an impression. It'd probably work somehow to strangers and acquaintances, but to friends? -I don't know what intention it brings. Friends supposed to know and accept each other for who and what they are. No need for showing off. Really! Especially if one is not asking for it. It was an offer which came from a trusted friend. There was no point of doubting it. Think of the consequence next time maybe. It results to disappointment and distrust.

I don't know, now this is hanging... can't figure out what to do. Nothing maybe, only to trust NO MORE!

Drama number Three:

"I Know what's Good for You Friend"


The most ridiculous ones. Once they start telling me what to do without my consultation ... my answer is ... F*ck Off! lol. I don't need to say that... but I make it happen. I don't allow anyone to talk to me is such a way. No One tells me Anything! Not even my Mom, I do respect what she thinks but I do what I think is right for me. This is my life and nobody else knows what best for it. (not to mention the Creator of course).

I pretty much respect other people's opinions but if they think that their opinions are the only one that matters, then I don't think they deserve any respect for that. People are different. If one behaves different from the other because she thinks differently, it doesn't mean that she is wrong or that she needs you to impose your thoughts on her life.

There is this one girlfriend, not very close one but I remember we used to be in one circle at young age for a time since we got quite a number of common friends.  We lost contact since we got separated and not so recently we found each other again. We talked, talked more until slowly, I noticed that she simply cannot be happy for me. She isn't satisfied of my life. Let me repeat that, she is not satisfied of my life. It's my life for goodness' sake. She started looking for things which I don't have. Not literally "things" but status in life like what maybe she has. It's a big question for her why I am not yet married. Although we got plans already even before she asked me, I wouldn't tell her. Why would I? She's not a part of the plan. And besides I'm not a big fan of "press releases". Before others would know it, it has happened already. That's my style. When she first asked, I answered nicely but she never let that issue go every second, every hour of  the day whenever possible. And not only that, she was insisting that I should have a baby already...because everybody has. Her, all our friends, and everybody we know. In fact, not everybody but it looks like I was the one on the spotlight. It kept on going until it obviously didn't sound good anymore. It turned out like a "mockery" (seemingly that was her purpose). Naturally, as a human being, I was patient for few months then slowly I was getting irritated already. She was not even a close friend of mine but she gave herself the right to demand on me?!! Can you imagine everyday, all I hear from her is the same words?!!! What the F...?!!!

Look, the fact is that, I didn't marry at early age because it was my choice. I am what and where I am now because this is my choice. I am not just sitting at home looking at the ceiling and waiting for things to happen. I'm pretty active and as far as I can remember since the time we separated I have been quite productive with my life. I don't have very high achievement but I am sure I have been as far as I could.

I didn't ask her with things I don't see in her. I didn't ask her what she does aside from housekeeping. I didn't ask her why she and her family don't travel, I didn't ask her what she doesn't  have but I do. I did not because it would be rude. I respected her life. If that's her choice, if she's happy about that, then be it. If she's happy about having a husband and children alone, then that goes for her. Everybody is different. I for example have different priorities. I respected her, and all I needed was to be respected in return.

By the way, I did not even ask her why she stole my pictures. Yes, she did, she asked me for pictures, I thought she wanted to grab pictures of me, I thought that she missed me (how could I be so dumb). But what she got are the pictures I took -My photography. And she claimed it as hers. Not exactly saying that, but insighting that they're hers. Would you mind giving credit to the owner, hello? What's next? My bf's pictures? Duh!

Now you probably know what happened next. of course it ended up to G O O D B Y E  ! ! ! lol. Oh, and of course she didn't know I bade goodbye to her. What for? The fact that she was acting like that, I strongly believe that we will never understand each other no matter what. I don't like explaining my side...'cause I owe no one an explanation why I live the way I am. I willing tell friends whom I know I can. But for such a person like her? I'm not sure her mind is enough to understand our differences. I'm sorry if I'm being mean with my words but that is how it is.

And now she keeps on looking for me, wondering (or pretending) what has happened, where am I, why she cannot contact me. Biatch. Hmph! If she wouldn't be so stupid not to know what she was doing, then probably she wouldn't need to look for me and wonder why.

There are many other smaller issues than this three but I'm limiting my narration up to three only. I don't wanna sound like all the people around me are bad and I am perfectly good. Of course I am not but that is not the issue I am posting here.

I don't want to be cynical towards people because I still believe that there are many who are good. But I also cannot stop being disappointed everytime I meet and experience unpleasantness from them, especially from whom I consider friends.

Recent Random

Been busy for awhile and so I'll just cut my whereabouts into randoms.


(1) finally booked train tickets going and back. the hotel was booked as well, with the help of my student who is kind and patient enough to make everything possible just according to how i wanted. thanks to her. she's really nice. i nearly give up at the middle of the process, i don't think i will be patient enough to go through all those "simple hardships" simple things which turned out to be very hard and complicated. but she and her friend did a lot to compensate those complications.


(2) sometimes, you just discover something which suddenly came out from nowhere. we were in a taxi and we were asking him about some historical spots in the town. he started telling us stories starting from the whole history which he probably remember from his school days. he then told us that Cong Zi, (Confucious)  the famous Chinese philosopher had a teacher who was from his town, which apparently is the town we are living right now. i personally didn't know how to react, to get fascinated, to laugh out of sarcasm? how do i know? it might be true. but it is also true that every city tries to claim some greatness. later my student was telling me that she was holding her laughter 'cause she doesn't want to offend the taxi driver. the thing is it might be true just that it sounded very funny when he was telling us. and there was even another story that Cong Zi's student now, has a mother who is claimed to be from some town also which i have been before. doesn't it seem that they are all a family? one big happy family ".)


(3) spring fever is not only in the town but also in facebook. i don't know, just all of a sudden people started talking about the past "love stories" and stuff. i'm merely speaking about my high school batch. one girl started this whole sensation when she admitted who was her former crush 15 years ago, then the tease went on until everybody want to know whose crush is who, who were together before ... etc. i must say i enjoyed hearing all those craziness. i still feel how exciting was our high school life. mind you, the tease is not yet over ... lol.


(4) i learned that sometimes, there are some things which remain for years. true or not, only God knows. there were things which i thought were never true and when i discovered they were, to be grateful is all i can do. all things happen for a reason and this reasons are sometimes discovered only in the long run. there are things which could have been a great fun if given a chance to happen or exist but they are probably thought to be fun because they never happened... and they must be left as they are.


"You have been warned against letting the golden hours slip by. Yes, but some of them are golden only because we let them slip by". -- James Matthew Barrie



"If you find someone else in love with you and you don't love her, feel honoured that love came and called at your door, but gently refuse the gift you cannot return. Do not take advantage, do not cause pain. How you deal with love is how you deal with you, and all our hearts feel the same pains and joys, even if our lives and ways are different." -- Kent Nerburn


(5) i have proven one more time that mistakes happen because people give them chances to occur. i'm glad i don't. i'm thankful i have been gifted with the right gut to foresee and choose how i want things to occur in my life. thanks God for the courage to keep it true. 


(6) sometimes we feel very confident and stable with our relationships. things happen and put us into question even of we don't. i am glad i got the right signal at once. without any hesitation, without any doubts, without a bit of confusion i know the answer. and i am even happier that this answer did not have to come from the work of my reasonable mind but from the pureness of my loving heart. i know i was right. and again, i thank God for that. i seldom communicate with God but in times that i really feel His presence, i never miss the chance to let Him know. 


(7) recently i feel that i am falling more in love with my bf - soon to be my official spouse. many people are questioning about us not having "tied" yet. i don't fall for their traps. i always believed that the essence of relationship is not seen with anything that is physically or officially binds a couple. it is felt. and only the couple knows how it feels. i have witness many marriages which left me a hint of disappointment for not being able to feel the greatness of love. i also have seen many  couples who left me inspiration of how they are able to keep the love shining. they are as well married, but it is not the status which made me admire them, but the kind of relationship they share. i take marriage as an official stage which one has to go trough like going to school, taking a course and finding a job after graduating. for me, our hearts and souls are bound already even before we thought of getting married. he is the person i miss even he's just right beside me. he's the person from whom i'll listen to besides myself. he is the person who i want and i will share the rest of my life with. he is the person who defines happiness and love in clear state which i can fully understand. he is my "Somebody" (Depeche Mode). i'm grateful we found each other. ",)


see? i am as well hit by spring fever, haha. enough of this i got some job to do right now. 

Leave Me Alone!

LEAVE ME ALONE is my motto in life. Mine is mine, Yours is Yours. You don't interfere in my life, I won't in yours. You don't tell me what to do, You hear nothing from me. If you can do that, we can live in harmony. 


I am really getting pissed this past two days. Some things are happening which are very UNACCEPTABLE for me. How could some people be really silly and mean? Why don't they do something which only them gets affected? How could they drag other people in that? How could they not consider what others think first? How could they not at least wonder how others would feel? Are they that numb? Numbedbrains?!!!


I hate people who are trying to show where my place is. I know it more than anyone else so don't you ever try or I will show you where is yours. I don't mind what others do or what they want to do. All I want is to spare me from whatever activity and plans they have. Especially if these plans would affect my ones. Phaaaaaaaaaaaaaakkkk!!!! Exactly at this moment, you couldn't imagine how pissed I am. 


SIGH, only if I could explain to you the whole story. But there are many things which I cannot spread on a public site like this. Not on personal reasons but "official" - whatever that might mean, I also cannot spread.


Just few words:


1) You DON'T tell somebody what to do if you don't even know who he/she is.
2) You DON'T put somebody acts into question if you have never lived the same life for the same period of time.
3) You DON'T act like you know better if you haven't been through the same experiences or have been to more.
4) You DON'T say that apple is better than orange if you haven't tasted one.
5) You DON'T fuckin' mess with PIONEERS if you are a NEOPHYTE.

Dumb, Insensitive or Mean?

Sometimes, some people just really piss me off. You see, I'm quite a sensitive person not in terms of getting offended easily (because I can manage that very well) but in terms of how I deal with others. I don't talk, I don't ask (as much as possible) but I observe a lot, I scrutinize every single detail of a person's actions and words. That's how I read and find my ways in dealing with others. I then expect (perhaps I shouldn't) that others read me the same way too. My words, my actions, they have meanings, and I am happy if others will be able to decode them. I seek to be understood but I am not willing to explain. I have reasons, not one, not two but I am full of it. Just that I don't use them that often. They are like special weapons to me. I only take them out when there is a big need. People are not (or are not supposed to be) stupid. I still believe that we (people) should understand in many ways. Not unless, one is insensitive who is never aware of consequences or mean who does things on purpose. 


Someone is trying to play cool humping on others will. You know what, why don't you just do things according to how they are supposed to be done? What is there to insist? Will you make a career out of it? Well sorry that's not how you make it. I don't understand how could you be so narrow-minded not knowing what people mean after you have confronted them. sometimes you have to see colors in its different shades. A pale pink could as well mean red. Beige could as well mean yellow or brown. Don't you see things in wide perspective? Could you really be so stupid not to understand clues? Could you really be so dumb not to know how to read between the lines? Sometimes people choose not to say things straight for the sake of tact. And if you, still don't get it ... then I don't know what to do with you. Find yourself the best adjective that describes you. Dumb?


Or Insensitive? Are you that insensitive that you don't see that others have their own lives, own minds, own will and preferences? Do you really think that what you are doing makes you smart and cool? Don't you feel where you are putting yourself into? Do you understand what others may think about you? Do you mind if I tell you that you sound pathetic? Why don't you go out of that miniature world of yours and see how the real world functions. The world is vast my dear, it's full of various kinds of people filled with different experiences. Experiences which taught them to be better people. Experiences which made them understand that many of what they think is right, may not always be right. For people are made to be different, and our task is to see that difference and be sensitive enough to know how to deal with them. Do you see that? If no then you are insensitive. If yes, then...


Maybe you are simply mean. You dare ignore others point? Huh! Why? Who are you? What are you made of? Who has put you in such a pedestal? Have you taken a look at yourself closely? Have you heard yourself talking? Have you felt the kind of life you are having? Have you seen other people's lives? Are you aware of what is your role in this world? Do you know exactly where your place is? By all means you'll insist what you want because that is what you think is good for you? Do you know how to call those kind of people? These questions are not for me to answer. It's for you to ponder.


What I can tell you is GO and F.......... ly a kite! hehehe


p.s. gratitude to the one who pissed me off. i think i made quite a nice entry today. (i mean nice 'cause i was able to express myself once more). that's what they say taking the best out of worst.

Randomness

Wednesday was free. I didn't have any classes. I enjoyed staying in bed till 10 once more. It was still chilly so I didn't get excited getting up early to witness the day pass by. I spent the day chatting, updating facebook, and downloading some materials for my classes. In the afternoon, we just went to downtown to get some groceries.

Thursday morning I'm still free. I woke up late again of course hehehe, not that I'm a lazy bone but I am hahaha. Cold weather makes me opt to sleep instead of ramble outside. I got ready for school just before Shamil came back from his classes. Thursday afternoon I got 4 classes and that will be all for the week. My weekend starts on Thursday ",)

Friday I'm free again. I thought of going to the new campus with Sham but there's nothing much to do there so I decided to stay home and wait for him. we thought of making pictures after his class but the weather beame very warm.  We ate out, bought a lot of mangoes.  They were good, almost like Philippine mangoes. It's not often that we can find good mangoes here. He suddenly decided that it is his favorite haha. In the taxi on the way home, the driver spoke English quite well. That's the first time in this city we met a driver like him. He's got cool music too. He was playing Akon?! Whoah, that was quite a record haha. It's been long time since I didn't feel excited partying, same as Sham. But the weather, the music brought a good feeling. People were pleasant too. It's all because the day really felt fine.

Saturday is today, there is some kinda sandtorm. It looks yellow outside. No sun and strong wind. We're supposed to go to the river beach to make pictures but it is simply not possible for a weather like this. I feel disturb. Somebody was knocking at the door when I haven't even gotten out of bed yet. There was a sound which was like a helicopter and it keeps on going for a long time. Some people were passing by out window . Internet is working too slow.

Uhm, there is something which is quite bothering but I'm not ready to talk about it right now. I don't want to make any issues. maybe I'll wait little bit till it subsides, maybe I need to rethink about it. Maybe.... maybe....maybe I should just really wait.

FastFacts

1) some irritating news. something that would piss me of and yet make me feel guilty. something i' d get disspointed of, something which i know is wrong, something which i wanted to make right but i am not in a position to. something that i want to ignore but i simply cannot.

2) failed expectations. sometimes you get excited of some things which you think will work the way you expected. when later it turns out not to be as you wanted, you get dissapointed, saddened and weakened.

3) constant changes. change is the only thing that is constant in this world and in this life. sometimes you wish that some things/people would change. othertimes you wished nothing have changed. moral is: just take things,people and (some) situations as they are for they will eventually change as time requires them to.

4) sympathy and pity. sometimes you know that some things are not so right. sometimes you think that someone deserves more than what he/she has. sometimes you wish you could be of help but you don't wanna get into other's business. sometimes you'd feel sad for others, but maybe you shouldn't.

5) permanent failure. sometimes you wish there'll be an improvement, a better system, a better way. many times you've set hopes high but reality just seems to keep on telling you let it go.

... these are just random facts of what was happening around me lately. i decided not to give details for some reasons. first, there are just some things which are better left unsaid. second, the more i talk about such issues, the more i'm letting myself get into the depth of it and i don't want to. however, they are reality which i cannot deny and maybe i would want to remember passing through so i kept them here just this way.