What actually happened ...

I didn't really mean to be impolite by taking long breaks without leaving some words. Sometimes things happen so fast and intensively.

Few incidents after my last post: 

Two of our family's cats got sick. They had to be brought to the veterinary twice a day for injections. It was some kind of virus.

Mom in law got sick, sis in law followed then father in law. All those times they were all sick including cats, someone had to come and help them. We ( Hubs & I) did. They all had very high temperature, a flu. 

We tried very hard to protect ourselves from getting infected. We could not afford to be sick. Work was intensive those times. Plus we received a job offer from another institution. It was good, we had to consider it.

People got well but cats hadn't. Their condition had got worse. Vet visits continued. Until one day, Lily, the oldest cat (13yo) who was Cosme's (my fave cat who passed away last year) mother died. It was a heartbreaking moment. She almost couldn't move anymore but she crawled to parents room and died there. Parents were there to give her a bit of comfort, I couldn't look. 

We had an appointment to meet with the institution to discuss matters about the job offer. We had to leave just few minutes after Lily died. 

We met and we were offered a job cooperation on our conditions. It's not everyday you're getting an offer like that. It was a very good consolation after we've discovered very unpleasant truths at our current work. 

Remember I mentioned about the new management? Apparently, it is not just the management but the owners. The previous management owned the company, later they decided to sell the company without deliberately informing us, by us I mean Hubs & I plus 2 more important people at work. They wanted to sell it with us. Like a farm together with its animals. Sigh. I just realized that I  still get pretty mad when I analyze the whole thing. That was just plain wrong! We had good relationships (I thought so). We treated them fairly. We worked honestly. We respected them! Agghhh only if you knew the whole story! But nevermind, I  don't want to talk more about them because I will need like forever to tell you everything. Those people are crap, let's not spend time talking about them. The chapter of them in my life is closed. 

So, back to cats. Few days later, Jessica (Lily's daughter, Cosme's sister) wasn't getting any better. The vet suggested to put her down. There was a little hope for her to get well but there isn't any assurance of how long will she live. The cat was simply sick. 

We were consulting with the family whether to put her down or wait a little bit more. It was unbearable to see her suffering but none of us could speak out a decision. The vet was just waiting for a ring from us. 

Simultaneously the institution which offered us a job was ringing me. They were expecting our final decision whether to go for the offer. They needed a reply because the first project we'd be participating in was  in few days. We made up our mind about taking it but we haven't set our conditions yet. Too many things at once in very little time. Two decisions to make with diverse emotions.

Anyway, the family decided to put Jessica down. It wasn't fair to let her suffer.

We took the job offer and started working with them. That's why I was offline longer than I thought I would. We finished 2 projects with them out of the city. I was just talking about wanting to go somewhere. There I had it - two times! Maybe what I felt was in fact a premonition that it was about to happen. And now I'm  even going farther. I'll be travelling next week, well not for a long time but for few days.

I'll do my best to cope with my absence. I promise to visit your blogs these days. Thank you for the patience.

It's Good to be Back

Good August dear friends! It feels good to be back. Today, finally I'm having vacation from work so I've got time for everything :)

If I explain what happened with me, it won't inspire anybody's day for sure. But I'd still want to ask apologies for the very long absence. I haven't been around and haven't visited any of your blogs for more than two months.

There was another whirlwind in my life. How exciting eh? I just cannot stop having them. I'm sarcastic, by the way.

Lemme at least give at least give you a peek on what had happened. I owe you that.

Last time I was here, I was in an unstable state whether to leave or stay. Well, I stayed and staying for sometime. We managed to have all my necessary documents done with such a tremendous stress, magnanimous difficulty and heartbreaking aftershock! I'm not going to go into details but if we meet (who knows) I can narrate ... if that time, it still matters.

Comes next is settling. The "moving out & in", new place, old place stuff and all sorts took all my time and strength while at the same time, it was the busiest time at work.

For a few weeks you got settled, thought that finally you can relax, have sometime for yourself. Then boom! A call of an emergency! I hate receiving very unpleasant surprises. Honestly, it was the very first day I've had coffee in bed because I could afford to spend the whole morning without doing and thinking about any work (at least I thought so). It was the first free day I've got after all those hectic activities. It was an emergency! The need to call an ambulance, the panic, the fear, confusion, anger... altogether. How I hate the smell of "medicine" you know that particular smell which tells you it's coming from a doctor's stuff. It was a family member whom we had to help.

Now things are slowly going stable and calm. Like I said, I am finally having a vacation. :)

The city is busy lately for the World Water Sports Championship. There are many things going on around. I'll be posting some to show you what we're up to here.

For the meantime, let me make up my long absence.

And thanks for not deleting me :)

Spring Fastrack

First- late post:

I just remembered that I promised to show you what's  on the theatre last time.

Here they are. Nureyev festival,Bolero, Don Quixote -all ballet plays

and concerts.

It's May now so they're  actually over. I didn't watch any, not because I didn't  want to but we didn't  get a chance availing tickets. People were staying in line for 6 hours and surely we don't  have that spare time to wait. I'll take a chance next season. 

Second- the weather:

In less than two weeks ago I was complaining about the coming back of snow. Well now it's  kinda "summer" already. Suddenly as soon as the month of May came in, the temperature rised to +22 which is normal in summertime. The grass is suddenly green. The leaves started to sprout. 

Here's a raw picture today. 

There's  not really a grass in this area because they've just changed the paths but it was sunny, people were wearing t-shirts and shorts. The leaves of birch tree started coming out.

I  often hear people say that the spring has become shorter. It's like a very long winter, few weeks of thawing and suddenly whoops summer. I remember, last year was the same. I think I  didn't even feel what was spring in Russia was like. At least this year I was somehow able to make my own small paper boat and let it sail on small streams in the park.

Third- health:

We are so glad that May 1st passed and my hubby is fine. Last year was a disaster. It was at the beginning of May when all his hospitals (yes in plural) adventures began. It's  been a year and yes, we were successful that he's fully recovered. Inflamation of liver and spleen which was caused by intoxication of liver is something which should NEVER ever happen again (and to anyone). 

Here's  what happened:

Coming back to Life

We were not really fully free of sickness. It was I who was suffering from nerve pains for the whole week. Shooting pain in the ear, followed with throbbing pain on the scalp on the top left part of my head plus a bit of pain and numbness around the left eye. Yesterday I  was in pretty bad condition. It was strongly throbbing every few seconds which felt not only weakening but VERY annoying. Man, I  was very angry the whole morning, I  didn't talk to anyone, no ine could come close to me literally, not even the poor innocent cats. I only calmed down after taking medicine for my dysmenorrhea. Apparently it calmed the throbbing pain too. I called for a doctor earlier in the week but they're  on holiday and I was only scheduled on Monday. It is a holiday too but at least someone's working.

I  am  sorry if I  am writing about sickness lately. This too is new to me since last year. I'm trying to keep track on it and trying to understand if it's  just because I 'm getting older but hey, 36 isn't  that old to be getting sick most of the time. Since when did I  become sickly? I was never a sickly person. Is it because of the weather condition in the place I live in? When I first came, I  was surprised why people keep on talking about health, getting sick because of this and that. I was pretty sarcastic, I  said they seem to enjoy it and they find all reasons to be sick. I told them that they in fact is conditioning themselves to get sick by thinking of it beforehand. Getting sick is never a common topic in my country  except for mothers with babies and toddlers. Now hereI am, ranting about the same thing. I'm asking myself - did I allow this? I mean did I surrender to all these? Is it really the place or the age? People of the same age and friends in my country seem to be doing great. It is I who's got issues with health lately...well since last year. It is my 3rd year here, maybe I've weakened. Dunno...

Fourth- residence permit:

Still got no news. I was able to schedule for consultation regarding my case but only st the end of this month which gives me only  about 20 days beforeI I  (should) leave. 

It's fine, I am not worried, I  got tired of worrying. I'm not hoping either. I'm ready for whatever decision I'll receive. I did what I have to do, it's  now their call. We'll see.

In May, there are two holidays and one of them is the Victory Day on the 9th which is a BIG day for the whole country. May 1st -4th then 9th -11th are thr holidays. I'm  busy meeting friends and some close relatives now that they have time in case I leave I do not need to rush everybody up. We're going to visit Dau Ani (grandmother) at the cemetery and Dau Ati (grandfather). They are both veterans of the WWII. 

In the next few days I'll be posting some things about the Victory Day.

Spring snow...not Showers

Didn't I tell you that it was spring last Saturday when Hubby and I took a walk. Sunday was very sunny and warm.

But this occured Monday after lunch and continued the whole afternoon and evening.

It was cold and very wet. The snow gathered on the ground and melted  into a chilly flood.

I  guess I wasn't the only one who wasn't dressed for the weather. Thin shoes, thin socks, thin jacket, silk scarf and an umbrella (at least). With a weather like this wearing such outfit as mine, you end up getting sick. And so I did. 

Fever already started as soon as I  finish work early evening. I was feverish on the way and as soon as I got home, changed to pjs and hopped in to bed. It got worse at night. I didn't have any appetite for food neither for any warm beverage except water.

I stayed home today, eating only apples and oranges and drinking water. My body simply longed for those tastes. Sometimes you simply have to listen to your body, it knows what it needs. Not only did I not  have appetite for anything solid but I  felt so off with anything that has milk and sugar. I hated them (at least today). Chicken soup didn't encourage me either. I couldn't take seeing those floating fats. I don't know I just suddenly felt sooo disgusted by them.

So basically, I spend my day in bed, getting up for some fruits intake, check blog, sleep.

But that's  not all. I simply cannot have a rest even when I 'm sick. They called from work regarding an inspector from the immigration office inquiring about me. How can I not go there-my residence application is under the process so this must be connected to it. So, with my feverish, painful body, we went to hear what other stuff am I required to submit. He had to check if I really work at the place and confirm other matters. He didn't really say if it's about my application but I do hope that they are doing something about it as I only have a month and few weeks before my present status expires. 

Anyway, I am feeling better a bit better now and accepted one egg for dinner :)

Stay healthy and don't let the spring bugs hit you.

Save Lives...if you can.

 I saw this from the bus stop close to an Elementary School in my hometown few yeas ago.

Lining with signs.

The Agonies of Spring

Spring is delightful and everything but for one thing. It brings me constant pain. Headache, terrible headche, nosebleed, nausea & others.

The temperature changes crazily like a plane falling on an airhole and then zoom climbs. Or like a plane having trouble landing. It goes down and then up, down, up again. It just cannot settle down.  It's been pretty drastic lately. Yesterday it was cold in the morning but really warm in the afternoon then very warm in the evening. But today it was suddenly again really cold in the morning and warmer in the afternoon, but cold in the evening again.  To be honest, it is quite difficult to dress up for a weather like this. You wear thin, you get cold. You wear thick, you feel hot.

Pressure is also playing like a whirlwind. It drops and climbs. My head would feel heavy one day and feel light another day. Or sometimes both in a day which often results to nosebleed. Some funny "electronic" sound would often pass my ear.

Magnetic storm is pretty active too. This is my ultimate agony for this does not leave me any choice but to suffer. Do you know about headaches without cure? This is what magnetic storm gives me. To be very honest, I  have never heard of magnetic storm when I was still in the Philippines. We theoretically have magnetic storm during volcanic eruptions but it is never felt like this. So why headache without a cure? 'Cause not any of the pain relievers work for this (at least for me). Plus I don't  know why pain relievers I take here have pretty much bad side effect on me. Drowsiness, stomachache, palpitations, irritability are some of those side effects.

I sound like a very old, sick person. In fact I'm  pretty healthy. I didn't get sick this winter even if everybody did at work. One by one and eventually everyone exept me.

I'm  just whining about my "headaches without cure" 'cause even a cold shower or a warm bath nor sleep won't  tame it. I was made to endure them.

I hope you're not experiencing the same.

I do hope spring, I mean real spring lands anytime soon.

On Living and Existing

... that was the question.

Existing is like living a robotic way. Like a machine, your body functions, your body has some needs which you answer to. You wake up, you sleep, you get hungry - you eat and so on and so forth. 

Whilst Living is when you live a dream, you take challenges, you fear, you love, get hurt, laugh and cry according to emotions. 

It was an explanation from a 40 something year old man. 

A question was raised by a 30 year old man, whether staying in your comfort zone is existing or living.

Few agreed that it is merely existing because you stay in your comforts. You only take  what is easier and comfortable for you. You do not extend your existence outside your blanket. You are satisfied with what is merely there.

A young girl, 22 years old, begged to disagree. She said that it is commonly heard from many nowadays that they don't  want to go to work at 8am everyday, come back home in the evening, do weekend shopping, visit relatives on Sundays. They don't  want this kind of existence and they call people who live like that merely existing. Her point was, no matter what kind of life a person is living, you can't say they are not "living". Everybody has someone or something to love. A construction worker for example goes to work, does his job, takes money and brings it to his family whom he loves and in return loves him back. So he has a life, he is living. Even  the most feisty person has a cat or a pet to love. Everybody has emotions.

The 40 something year old man interrupted. "How sure are you that those people like what they are doing and love their life? If a person is doing something like going to work, providing for a family or feeding a pet, it doesn't  mean they always like it. Some of them just have no choice but to live the way they have to", he added. 

It is difficult to say, everybody agreed. 

If those who do not like the circumstances in their life learn to accept and like it, then they'll start consciously doing things not in a robotic way but with a feeling that they like what they are doing. And maybe feel happy.

Will they start living and not merely existing?

We ended the conversation with an open ended question. 

If you have any insight to add or contradiction to point out, please feel free to share. 

Kosme Kotik

Her name was Kosme. Kotik is "kitten" in Russian language. She's not really a kitten but for us she's small though she's in fact overweight. This isn't  the best quality shot but this is the funniest position she always remind me of. I used to catch her in this position. She'd look like a piglet at times. She also was a nocturnal creature. We think that her ancestors were owls :).

She liked lying exactly where people have to walk. If she heard you going to the bathroom, she'd lie right at the door so when you come out you'll have to jump over her unless you want yo crush her fluffy belly. She liked plotting some obstacles for us.

She liked to steal socks from the soiled bin. She'd take then and start announcing that she'd "caught a mouse". She'd bring it to you and ask for reward for such a hard work.

She loved to eat. She ate everything we offer her. She had no problem taking medicine as long as you give it together with a hearty amount of meat. She was aldo named a "liquidator" for she liquidates anything that the other cats left on their plates.

I miss her.

On the day of Dau Ani's funeral, the veterinary phoned us telling that Kosme had to be put down. She had been operated for a cyst growing on one of her breasts. She couldn't recover well, she wasn't  responding well.

It was devastating for everybody. We didn't even breathed yet and we'll have to take her and burry her right the day after we burried our grandma. Nobody had the energy to face it.

She had been at the veterinary for a week after the surgery. We thought that at least she'd recover. She then later was cremated because she developed an infection OR she got infected from the veterinary while she was there. Of course they won't tell us if it was the case.

Sigh. "When it rains, it pours".

Last time ...

I've  had so much (maybe not that much) personal things in this blog that when I was down, I felt like running away from it the same way I ran away from the present reality I've had. Sometimes (for me at least) it's easier to detach, I'm better at handling emotions alone than with many others (that includes family). I don't  know, maybe I'm afraid to be seen that weak in some cases. Maybe I tend to get more confused when others come for me. I'm  definitely afraid of losing full control. Not that I'm  a control freak (or maybe I am).

"Dau Ani" means grandmother. My husband's  grandmother who raised him as a kid to support his mom who was then at the peak of her career.

If you have read one of my posts in fall, I once mentioned visiting her after we picked up yellow leaves in the park to bring her the season since she can't go out anymore. We also made a video of squirrel to show her. We brought her fresh (relatively fresh) coconut from Thailand which we found in the shop. We had fun, lots of fun opening the coconut with a kitchen knife and a hammer to help. That was ridiculous of course but we shared this memory with her. She was very excited that day. She was actively taking part in the activity, asking me to make picture of what's inside the coconut. She's not a tech savvy but she got used to it coz we always show her what's  new. She was also emotional that day. She cried watching the videos of squirrel. In the video we made, we were asking the squirrel to "come to Dau Ani" and it came to us right up front the camera. It was lovely. Later she was happily laughing at how the squirrel was jumping on our legs and greedily taking nuts from my hands. She likes anything that is and feels beautiful. She'd often say "it's  a miracle". I think she was very grateful  to many things. She was a child of war so I understand very well how she could never take things for granted like many of us younger generations do. One very funny thing I always laugh at no matter how many times I heard from her is "just in case". She used to have an extra loaf of bread in the fridge and she won't eat it unless there is a replacement. She'd show it to us and say "and here's one more loaf inside...just in case". In case of what?! She'd not even answer us, "just in case" she'd repeat. When I  heard of it first time I was laughing hard. Not insulting, just feeling funny. Then she told us stories during the war. How difficult it was. Those stories didn't  start and finish in one visit. There were many continuations & different incidents everytime we come. There were times when we all (3 of us, with my hubs and I) end up very quiet having heavy hearts and thoughtful minds. There were many many stories from real experiences, from a first hand witness. She was a veteran. She was a nurse but during the WWII she was amongst those who were patching tank holes which were actively used by soldiers. There were times when they had to drag some parts of a soldier's body from the inside. I am still speechless about these facts. Knowing Russian history is difficult enough for me but hearing real stories from real people close to me is quite overwhelming. It's one thing when you read history, know figures and see pictures. It's another when you know these people, when you feel for these people. Our Dau Ani is just one. I am surrounded with people whose relatives have gone through the same unpleasant things. Unpleasant is surely an understatement. Dau Ani's husband had a more difficult human-heart breaking story, but I'll  tell you about him in another post.

I have learned many things from Dau Ani. Really many things about life. She once told us not to think bad if some elderly are staring at us (which happens quite often in our case). She said they don't  mean any harm, they just think slow at their age and think a lot more about how life or the world has changed. Russian elderlies lived during soviet times, for them, it's something not easy to believe that nowadays, it is quite easy to spot foreigners on the road married to locals speaking foreign languages. They're  happy and at the same time they think about their lives back then. So whenever I see babushkas (grannies) staring, I sometimes smile at them or quietly and slowly leave beause they are also fond of starting a looooong conversation.

That day she took out many old pictures, introduced who they were and what happened to them. Of course mostly connected to war. It's not that she was fond of telling stories about war, it's  just that most of these intelectual men in the family & friends circle all ended up in the front. If you know Russian history, you'll understand what I mean.

We stayed for 3 hours which usually doesn't  and shouldn't  happen because she had to take a rest in the afternoon. All family guests stay at most for an hour giving her enough time to rest. But we couldn't  leave her because she was very energetic and she didn't  finish her stories. She asked my husband to make pictures of the old printed pictures she had. She said it's  better we have them in file. They were black&white. When we finally decided to leave, she wanted to show us one more thing. It's  a painting of her husband, my husband's grandfather which she didn't  and won't  sell or even give to museum as most of his paintings are in the museum or in the National Art Gallery. He and Dau Ani's brother were two of the best painters during soviet era. She wanted to show us where she was keeping it but we said we could do it other time. She didn't  want us to go but we insisted. We knew she was excited but we couldn't  not give her a rest.

So we parted never thinking that it would be our last time together. :( She passed away on December 10, 2014.


(the story doesn't  end there, I  will continue next time)

Rediscovering Life in simple things

Sometimes happiness comes from the most simple things, like a weekend free. I almost have forgotten that Saturday and Sunday are weekends, not weekdays -  not working days. For two years, these two days have been just another busy day. Seriously! Now I'm asking myself: What have we been doing? Honestly, I don't know. I just remember that there were always things to accomplish. Always... never-ending!But ...Today is different. It's probably one of the most beautiful morning I ever woke up to. A morning without an alarm clock to wake me up, no shower rush and fast-breakfast. No sleepy feeling, no migraine. Just a beautiful, cool, sunny day :)It feels so good to wake up on your free will. No musts, no complains. It feels so good to drink coffee not as a stimulant but as a beverage to enjoy. It really does taste better. It feels so good to sit at the dining table, spend time, talk with dear hubby just to start the day.It feels so good to have a feeling that weekend is yours, nobody else's but yours. It feels so good to have time.
It feels great to have a life! :)

(post date - late)

Coming back to Health, coming back to Life

Two months of fear, worry, depression, anxiety and unimaginable stress. These most difficult days pulled family up together, moral support and prayers made it possible to surpass such a weakening situation. I think that we shall never pay this much attention to our health if we weren't push this much. 
3rd week of April - we're getting sick. Thought it was just a normal stomach flu which goes away after few days. mine stayed for 2 weeks. 2 weeks of feeling bloated. the whole abdomen - stomach and intestines felt all swollen which made it difficult to eat, walk, sleep and work. having "gifted" (dunno if its good or bad) with a high tolerance towards pain, i continued working. i didn't know how i survived but i did. after 2 weeks, the pain disappeared. 
4th week of April - husband got sick exactly with the same symptoms at the beginning. 
1st May - 'twas a holiday but we went to work. a week passed but he wasn't getting any better. 
2nd week of May - condition got worse, stopped going to work, trying to recover at home. 
20th May - went for a medical check but doctor sent us home to get things. he had to be admitted for 10 days. 
Difficult days had begun...
Blood tests almost everyday, IV, and the agony of waiting for each result enveloped us all during all these times. Each test result coming up one by one doesn't bring any hope or good news instead just added up to our worries. Fear was getting bigger day by day. 
Enlarged liver and spleen were the first 2 heavy burdens we had to deal with. Different tests with different instruments followed. X-ray, Ultrasound, ERCP and lots of blood samples.
Erosion in the stomach came next. No treatment given yet except for IV. Treatment cannot start until they find out what had caused his situation. Days were prolonging and no diagnosis was given yet. The scariest thing is to hear doctors say: "They cannot find the cause and they too are puzzled". 
10 days lasted to 14 days.
3rd June -  was released with a preliminary diagnosis of:-  viral infections: NEGATIVE (thank goodness)-  cancerous cells: NEGATIVE (thank God of course)-  Primary Sclerosing Cholongitis   
It wasn't final. He was given a directive to proceed to another hospital after few days of observation. He was subjected for tomography to rule-out the suspicion of mechanical failure of organs.
He stayed home under observation and after 10 days, condition had gotten worse again. We went to the hospital (another one) to see the specialist. He was examined and results were compared to his previous. The doctor agreed with the preliminary diagnosis.
That was the saddest ever day! 
Primary Sclerosing Cholongitis:   (PSC) is an uncommon condition affecting the bile ducts and liverThe cause is not clear. It can sometimes run in families.At present there is no specific treatment which either cures or slows the progression of PSC.
Here is an article about PSC: http://www.onhealth.com/primary_sclerosing_cholangitis/article.htm
I started dying ... it was not in any case easy to bear such a news. 
We started bracing up for the worse. He definitely has to be hospitalized one more time. With high hopes that he was misdiagnosed we decided to put him to the best hospital with the best doctors. 
19th June - was admitted after 5 hours of beaurocracy - too many documents and papers to fill in. 
Started running tests again. Blood, urine, stool, ECG, X-ray, ERCP, CT scan, duoudenal probing, liver enzyme tests which terms I don't know how to explain.
He still keeps on losing weight, looking pale, weak, arm scarred from IV's and blood extraction.
Everyday was a worrisome day. Not even knowing what to worry exactly about.
We tried doing everything, anything that could save him. Best medical practitioners, best hospital, Prayers, mass intentions, candle and other offerings. His mom thought of giving him her liver in case of a need for transplantation (Oh, God forbid). I did too but simply it'd be impossible from me. 
I was going to work the whole time, I worry more thinking at home than getting myself tired at work. It wasn't as easy as I thought because everytime colleagues and students see me, they're asking about him. And for me every moment was a reminder of the whole thing that is going on. 
When I get home, I had to answer messages from family overseas. They too have been under a lot of worry. Talk about updates with my mom-in-law who was going to the hospital almost everyday to provide needs.  Communicate with Sham and console him. Then relax myself and gain energy for the following day.
27th June was his 36th birthday. Unfortunately he had to spend it in the hospital. We didn't think about worry much at least for a day. Earlier that day, he was told what they saw in one of the tests.
Cholesterol in the Gallbladder. And with this thought alone, ruling out gallstones or cancer, we were all happy enough on his birthday. He was relieved and really was happy on that day.
I was happy but was still not relieved. I was still worried about the other results. After all those sufferings, worsening condition, preliminary diagnosis, tests and confusion from the doctors themselves, it couldn't be just cholesterol. 
30th June final diagnosis:
Intoxication of the liver (due to food supplement/vitamins for men)Cholesterol in the gallbladder (abusive diet)Gastritis (stress and bad eating habit)
In addition to all these, the doctor mentioned stress as one cause that made all things complicated and added dense of effect to the patient.
MIRACLES HAPPEN ... after all what he's been through, these are already the least scary result we received. We are very grateful!
Further Results:CT scan: mechanical failure of organs - NEGATIVEGallstones: NEGATIVEViral infections: NEGATIVEParasitic infection: NEGATIVEGallbladder & pancreatic cancer: NEGATIVEBile duct obstruction: NEGATIVEBiliary ducts dilation: NEGATIVESpleen: NORMAL Liver: a little enlarged
We are still waiting for some liver enzyme test result. It is to see how much the intoxication has damaged the liver. We continue to hope and pray that nothing bad is with it. 
4th July HOME SWEET HOME ... :)
He is now recovering ... gradually but happily. 
Lessons Learned:
1. Take care of your body and health, we only have one. You might feel that you are fine but mind your internal organs, they might be exausted. One day they'll just give up on you if you don't help them. Be kind to yourself.
Remember, it's not only those who have bad habits like drinking and smoking are at risk. My husband doesn't smoke neither drink but still got problems we didn't expect.
2. If you are tired, take a rest! Do not cure fatigue with vitamins that promise to give you energy, energy drinks and coffee. Take a good rest and do not compensate it with anything. 
3. Watch your habits. You don't notice they're bad until they backfire. 
4. If you have a hobby, especially if you are passionate about it, never stop doing it under whatever circumstances - that's the only treat you can give yourself after a hardwork.
5. Work only for needs and pleasure. Do not let your job swallow you and your good life. Watch out for signs of dissatisfaction and fatigue. That's how work becomes a constant stress. And this stress develops until it starts affecting you daily life. Once felt - do not struggle, do not fight it. Just stop what you are doing and find peace to your soul before it starts attacking you health.
Sometimes we are too busy to notice such occurences in our daily life. First we try to ignore them, later we don't notice them piling up and later we accept them as a norm and try to live with them; which is a very big mistake! Do not let your healthy self defeated !!! Stay healthy, keep doing only what makes you happy and be grateful to life! :)
Wishes of good health to everyone. Thanks for reading.

In Memory of Him

It has been a not very positive weeks after my last post. My Mom's Aunt passed away and 9 days later, my Grandpa did too.

I didn't know that when I mentioned at my previous post about fruits, that "chico, will always remind me of him" would sound true to true to itself. You see that tree on a red kinda concrete pot behind us in the picture? That's the chico tree I grew up with. The lawn wasn't concrete before, it was ground and there were more plants. 

This is the last photo we have. It was in 2011 when my Husband and I visited him. It was their first and apparently the last time meeting. It was a good day to remember. 

Having grown at my grannies, I have much memory of him. He's really cool. He was a navy and he retired at the same year I was born. My parents told me he  babysitted me and he was the first person to drop me when we both fell in the swing haha, that was fun to imagine. They told me I used to cry for him when he and grandma would argue. He goes to the sea every morning and I always go with him. That's everyday. But I never learned how to swim because I was so comfortable riding my life boat and him dragging it. He was serving in the church as a lay minister and everyday he'd gone to church, I'd go with him most of the times especially on  novena dawn masses before Christmas. When he ran for candidacy in the local government, I was his campaign manager haha, so to speak. I was biking the whole town giving out fliers with his name. He used to help me a lot with my homeworks and aside from that, we had lessons with his own curriculum at home. Oh man, he used to make me memorize all the president's of America and significant people in the world. Everyday there would be a short quiz in math, whew, which was the hardest. Whatever he's doing, I'm always on the watch. He would talk to me about significant happenings in the world. At a very young age, I didn't understand much but I remembered hearing USSR and nuclear. I was telling my husband about those and I really made it a point that we, altogether would meet and talk. I remember hearing those words from him but I never understood what was his personal views on those. So I was thinking, maybe now that I'm a grown up, I will :) 

It is sad that he left us already. But if that's God's will, if that's his time to take the final rest then we, the family have to let go. When my brother last visited him, he was emotional. He said he feels weak already, he feels he's old. 

When I visited, I'm soooo glad I did few weeks before he died. It was a day before I left the province. He told me he feels difficulty in breathing. He's developed pneumonia at old age. He was looking healthy and lively though. He was laughing and happily telling me that he gathered all my pictures when I was a kid, when he was pinning me ribbons when I had honors and other awards in school. He said he put them all in one album because he wanted me to have them. I never thought it was something he had prepared for leaving forever. I thought he just wanted me to bring the album when I go back to Russia. But that day, he couldn't find where he kept them. He told me to just come back and get it. I am definitely going to bring them with me to Russia. It was something he wanted me to have. I felt so sad remembering the day but I felt happy that my last memory of him was his jolly face and lively voice.

Letting go is the hardest part, people say. I realized it is, but if you knew you have done enough, when you knew you tried enough to let the person feel how much you care and love, that would make letting go much easier. 

I am thankful to God for giving me the chance to show him I cared. For waiting for me to have few more moments with my grandpa before He finally took him back. I am thankful my husband and him were able to meet still. That was important for me. I am thankful for having him in my life and I am thankful for giving him a peaceful death. He died at his own home. He was found in the morning with a rosary in his hands, not breathing anymore. I know he is in good hands now. To his loving memory, I offer my prayers.

Pre-Travel Sickness

I feel little sick right now. I don't know why it has to be now again when we are about to go tomorrow. It's always like that. Once we were going to Qingdao, I was sick a day before. Next time we were supposed to visit a countryside just this winter, and I got sick again. It's not that I like it. It's not that I despise travelling because I actually enjoy it. It's neither about motion-sickness because I don't usually get affected of it as long as I enjoy the ride. Just that I think subconsciously, there are some factors which is are responsible for my physical reaction.

Here are are some possible factors that's making me feel nauseous. Firstly, I'm afraid of the crowd. I don't know if it comes with the age or it's still a part of my ongoing long time culture shock. I didn't notice when it started but I for sure remember not minding crowds long time ago. I think it was in high school when I even mentioned that I cannot live without a crowd, that I must work with people. I don't know but I guess like every teenager, I enjoy concerts, rock concerts especially, parties and youth camps and the likes. You know like young people. Since I came, wherever I go is a crowd which kinda exhausts me in travels. Or maybe I'm just getting old, getting weak and detached. Oh, it might be too early to feel that.

Secondly, I am kinda claustrophobic. I always must stay close to the window and the window must at least be open a little bit even in winter. Sigh, I'm not sure trains will have open windows. I don't remember also when it started, I just noticed that I became like that. I am afraid of not having enough FRESH air. I am so hoping that at least there'll be a proper ventilation. As long as I can hear of feel or at least have a thought that the air is properly circulating, then I'll be fine.

Thirdly, I never took this train before. I used to take the bullet train which is really fast and the seats are just pretty comfortable like in a bus, just wider and everybody is facing front so nobody really much pays attention. This time I'm gonna take a sleeper train where there'll be 6 people in one cabin. Wow, it's a sort of xenophobia. It's 10 long hours at night. I wonder how can I ever sleep like this? But I have to survive this.

I'm trying not to get affected with thoughts. All I need to do is to take this train, and get where I need to get to. Do my business there and come back delighted of accomplishing something and at the same time seeing another place. I like visiting different places, I just kinda having hard times with the process of getting there.

I got mixed emotions too. It's an official thing which we are going to do there. We made our classes in advance so there'll be no hard times making them up after and so the school will not be able to say that we are negligent or something. We'll be in the embassy and we hope to get it done in one day, if not then we have to wait for at most 3 days.

Alongsides, we'll be checking on some places nearby and make pictures of course. It's going to be a business trip plus pleasure along the way. ",)

I pray for a safe trip and smooth flow of things. I hope there'll be no hassles or anything like that. I will not be accessible to Facebook which I will miss of course, and likewise with blog. But I promise to tell stories when I come back.

God be with us.

Is it Because of School or Weather?

i'm feeling sick again. body is weak. i feel like eating lots of fruits. i feel like doing exercise so i'd sweat. i don't have fever neither headache nor cold. i just feel like weak and sort of sick. but why? i was alright yesterday, we went out. strolled the new part of the city. had few pictures. last night, i was just feeling lazy. now, it's a little bit worse.

hmn, i don't know. is it because i was exposed to cold again yesterday? strange. i didn't go out unwrapped. what did i do wrong? or maybe it's just psychological thing? that tomorrow is monday again and i have to be in this cold campus again. ugh, hope not. i really don't wanna feel that same feeling i had last week. no no no no it wasn't pleasant at all.

sigh! am i just unhealthy now that i always feel sickly? or the weather is just really bad this year?

i don't know but it's not good at all. i wanna enjoy my holidays despite of the cold. i can take it as long as it'll not get me sick all the time.

39ners

My bf  often teases me that i am 39ners. It was the name given to special pizza promo. 2 slices for 39 pesos. He calls me 39ners because of my weight. I am 31 years old and I am only 39 kilograms. Yeah I know, you might tell me I'm so thin, underweight whatsoever. 

Lately I have been hearing a lot of these again. Sometimes I really have enough of it. I also want to gain weight but it just doesn't happen. It's not my fault that nothing works no matter how I try. What can I do if I was created small and thin? I didn't choose to be like this. Look, I try to eat as much as I can. There are even times when I force myself and I end up not feeling good. I never remembered that I got fatter in life. Maybe just a little more than now? hehe

I really don't know what to do. Thousands of women in the world are dying hard to lose weight and here I am, small and slim are criticized for being one? wahhhh! It's not that I like it. I am ok with it but I'd be happy to gain little bit more too. Maybe I'm just too active? Maybe my metabolism works triple fast than usual. 

Sometimes I'm thinking that people just got fatter themselves and they already think that I got thinner. No, I think I am always the same. Ask my Mom :) 

I'm trying to double my effort nowadays. I will see if there'll be any improvements. 

winter ignorance

i felt very lazy getting up this morning. i had to reset my alarm 2 times. :))) i was awake but still curling up in bed and already thinking of what excuses can i make. i cannot tell them i'm sick because i was just sick last week. (that's for real, i didn't make that up) lol. i could imagine how good it feels to stay longer in bed in this cold winter. but how long can i lie in? up to 7 oclock? 9 maybe? i've got classes until 12. and then i was imagining how my students will be sitting in class waiting for me. of course they'd be happy not to have classes. who wouldn't? :) but in the end both the teacher and the students will feel unproductive. and i must admit it is a bad start. it's just monday...i should be taking the lead, i am the teacher. :) oh well, apparently a responsible one. so, i got up, washed up, made myself a hot chocolate drink which i preferred drinking today. then at 10 before 7, i was ready to go. brrrr... it was cold like hell(uhm, wrong choice of word maybe)(",) outside. i didn't have to run this time (which i used to do until i found out that it is not easy to run with heavy winter gadgets) and i made it to the bus stop before the school bus arrives. it was even colder in the campus. in class, students were all present and they were quite interactive today (well they have to otherwise they'll get frozen). there are no heaters in the class yet. they said it'll only be maybe after two weeks. and that is a maybe. whoah if i'll be very cold, i'll simply not go to class. wth.

i was talking to the other foreign teacher about winter and my country's seasons when we were going back from school. it was funny to remember how ignorant i was about winter and how i learned to survive year after year. he asked me if winters in philippines are not harsh as this? lol. not at all. not harsh because we definitely have no winter in philippines. it is just either summer or summer or rainy. people in my country dream about snow. about white christmas. it's every kid's dream to see and experience snow. i remember myself during my first winter. i had no idea how cold was it. i had no idea how to take care of myself. i didn't know that there are warmers which you use as special undergarment for winter. i thought that you just put on many of your clothes and that will be enough. i didn't know that shoes must be different in wintertime. i thought that i can always wear my summer shoes if i just use double or triple socks. i didn't know about winter socks as well. can you imagine how cold i have been? i even was going out early in the morning with wet hair. in the philippines, we usually take shower just right before going out to start a fresh day. when i was young i remember, we used to mock those who go to school with dry hair, we tease them that they stink because they didn't take shower. sometimes, boys pretend that they took shower by wetting their hair. it is important to show up in school with wet hair. funny child stuff! so, i was doing my same old routine. feeling very cold was the only harm i thought i could have. i lived with some filipino friends who of course have no idea either. in school, some teachers would ask me, "why are you doing that? are you crazy?, you will get sick." and that's barely all. you know, i am so tired of hearing "you'll get sick, you'll get sick". everything that i do seems to make me sick. so i didn't listen to them. i am also a very stubborn person who'd only listen if your words are convincing. doesn't need to be like an orator's way, i just need to hear why? okay so, i started learning from some concerned friends. we went shopping and discovered many things in the shop. oh, by the way, i also refuse to wear a puffy jacket because i said i am not going to the moon since i look like an astronaut. told you, i'm stubborn hehe. i also don't drink hot water. i still drink water from the bottle, same as usual. i feel even more thirsty drinking hot water. unless if it is coffee or milk or say tea. but i'm not a big fan of tea so again, i always refuse.

now, i already know the do's and don'ts in winter. however i still feel cold (of course). despite of following the rules i learned through my personal experience, i argue quite often with my bf when he tries to tell me or forbids me of what i'm doing. he's say he's from russia and i'm from a country that has no winter so i should listen to him. well i admit that, i just like contradicting him heheh. stubborn as i am...that's my nature.

last summer we went to philippines for our holiday, we saw someone wearing north face jacket, another one with a furry hood on a rainy day!!! wtf?! i was sooooo laughing because i know how much they probably want to experience wearing jacket ... a winter jacket to experience a different fashion style. hahaha you know how many time i have worn a usual jacket when i was in the philippines? none! maybe when i was a kid and one time i guess when i went to baguio city which is the summer capital of philippines. it's a city at the top of that mountain and it is always cold up there. and i also heard from my friend that people who work at the call center are wearing trench coat becaue it's fully airconditioned inside so they found a reason to wear one. it is really funny. only if those people would know how a real winter feels. they'd probably say "no, thanks". it took me one winter season to experience snow and have pictures with it. after that i stopped liking winter. :)))))

i don't hate winter, it's a part of the season which adds beauty to the world. i just don't really like feeling cold. i become so inactive and unproductive. sigh, i can't wait for spring when flowers will be blooming so i can have a new collection of flower photography.

Stomach Flu

Freaking stomach flu is back! SIGH! I am so afraid that i will have it again. Just the thought of it is already killing me. ugh! I don't know how to describe it but when you got it, you have the same body reaction as to food poisoning. This is worse however because it is non-stop and really rigid. You'll get a whole night of runnings and puking (excuses) which will dehydrate your whole body totally. You feel thirsty all the time but the thing is once you drink water, it will come out just as soon as it got to your stomach. It's terrible really. On the second day, you'll have a fever and you'll feel extremely weak that you cannot even chew any solid food. All you can eat is baby food, fruits, or maybe some soup made of water and bouillon. No to food with strong taste. On the third day, you'll start craving for something very cold to drink. usually a chemical drink hehe i don't know why it's like that but we had the same reactions. Stupid it seems. And you'll be well losing maybe several pounds. Not even a few. You'll obviously get thinner after you got the stomach flu. I have seen people got thinner including me which of course scares me most 'cause i really don't wanna get even thinner than now. For God's sake, i worked hard for this little more weight for several months and now, if I will have this flu, it'll be gone in 3 days.

I had this flu last semester ... TWICE actually! Shamil had the same and 9 other foreign teachers. We live in the same building but on different floors. One teacher fainted in the class because of this flu. Some went to the hospital but there was really no medicine for this. You just have to let it pass. All the hospital can do is to give you dextrose. Two weeks ago, I heard one teacher had the stomach flu (he lives at the 5th floor and he had last sem too). I already got worried but still was hoping that it wont come to us. Last week, I heard that there was another one (she lives at the 4th floor and she had last sem too). Her boyfriend told us about it and we even warned him to be careful because he might soo have it as well. Well we were not mistaken. 2 days ago, I saw his gf at the shop and told me he is sick of this flu again. Same shit! SIGH! and now, to complete the story, Shamil has it. It's his 2nd day but it is already obvious that he got thinner. Too bad :( Yesterday I was soooo pissed because there is no doubt that I'll have it soon too. I really don't want to...huhuhu. SPARE ME PLEASE... i don't even know who to ask. God might not be responsible for this virus/microbes or whatever you call it that seems to be so destructive. SIGH again and again. All I can do now is to keep on HOPING that I wont get it. I really don't wanna lose weight. Oh no no no no. It's a favor for those who are trying to lose weight but definitely not for me!!!

Fear of Losing

I waited till after Easter Sunday before I talk about this. Everybody deserves a Happy Easter greeting but that is not what I got. I received a sad news from the family. My cousin died of cancer yesterday - on an Easter Sunday. I remember when we were kids, when our maternal grandparents were still with us, we used to have a family reunion. It is such a big family that every year, the party is hosted by different members at different places. I met a lot of cousins aunts and uncles whom sometimes i haven't even met before. As for a youth, it was such a big fun for me. There was always a picture taking of the whole clan when our grannys would count how many grand and great grandchildren were coming each year. I have never attended any of the reunions anymore since I left Philippines. It was such a good memory of family reunion until now when it'll be Mary-Anne's death anniversary.

She's the daughter of my Mom's younger brother who died few years ago. She's only 26 years old, has a boyfriend who wanted to marry her despite of her condition when she was still struggling. I regret that I didn't pay her a visit when i was in the Philippines last summer. I had a very complicated situation that time that I wasn't able to things very right. She was brought home already when we were coming back to China. Everybody had hopes that things will be better.

It's God's will probably and we just have to submit to it. It is sad of course but at least her pains and sufferings finally ended. May she rest in peace.

Death is a painful loss. But losing someone who is alive is even more painful. Death is natural. Losing someone alive is intentional. It is most painful when you lost someone whom you trusted a lot. It is dreadful to lose someone you didn't want to yet is not possible to lose at all. I have lost so many significant people in my life already that i got numb to pain. I become as tough as I am now due to fear of losing ...all the time. I tend to overprotect myself that I always keep distance from people even to those who are dear to me because of fear that i might lose them one day and I will not be able to handle it. Yes I admit I am afraid. My toughness is just to cover-up. I'm putting a shield on even before the threat comes. I don't know if I'm doing right but this is how it works for me. Many people would tell me I am wrong but I cannot be them. This is how I learned to survive.

Days of Pain

The worst thing about being a woman comes every month. It's not fun at all. It spoils plans, good mood and activities. I'm supposed to be off to another city now. We're supposed to see a friend who's leaving for US this month. And another one who's leaving for Japan. We're supposed to see an old friend who planned a picnic at the park with us. We're supposed to visit our favorite shop (of course it's a monthly ritual c",). We're supposed to make a lot more of new pictures (a weekly session). But instead of that here I am in bed, just woke up after a long nap. I've just taken my second pain reliever for the day. Ugh days like these truly suck! It's not easy to bear dysmenorrhea. I've been suffering from it for seventeen years now. I remember in university years, there were days when i nearly faint in school, cried while having my final exams. There was a time when I almost was crawling in a public place getting a cab. Once I forgot to get my change 700php from sending package just because i was feeling the worst of my days. It was when a good samaritan came and bought me a pain reliever and water from a nearest drugstore. The world is not too bad afterall. I hate taking pills. I am pretty tolerant of pain and even when I'm sick I always have to argue first before I would finally take pills. But on these days, I myself is craving for one. Pain reliever I guess is one thing I cannot live without. Last week when I was having PMS. It's another difficult thing. I felt so bad that I simply cannot control it. It works physically and the effect is a bad emotional response to everything. I could be really bitchy and could be a pain in the ass too. It's just so difficult to explain. All I need is understanding. Women as we are, we already suffer days of pain so for every man's consideration, let us be us on PMS days. It'd be a great consolation already.

Well at least now it's raining, i don't feel too bad staying home.

sIcK hUngRy anD BitCHy

i am sick and i am bitchy! the rule is: when i'm low in spirits, never try anything with me. for sure nothing will turn out right to me.

when i'm hungry, i'm angry! ugh double trouble.

i got sick for three days and it was bad... for everybody who i got in contact with within those days. it was some kinda flu which was suppressed by medicine which my boyfriend forced me to take. i hate medicines. they make me feel worse. i told him that i got fever because he made me take medicine. (typical reaction from a "sick-me"). i had to go to my classes 'cause i don't want to make-up later. and besides, my classes are only in the morning so i got all afternoon to rest. i wasn't as patient as i am normally. when a student is wrong she/he is wrong! no considerations. however they didn't have any clue that i'm impatient or something. i was just too sarcastic. and believe me my face won't give them any clue as well. i'm way too good and diplomatic hehe. but honestly, now, i feel bad that i was like that to them especially. uhm, it's hard to explain but these kids don't mean any harm really. it's just always the way it is. anyway, more days are coming, i'll make up to them.

my bf? yeah he was a victim as well. and it's good that he's patient enough for me or else we will clash. when i'm sick or hungry, i don't like any contradictions to whatever i say, no corrections, and definitely no instructions... and no too much care too. just civil, professional and safe.

anyone who reads this blog probably thinks now that i'm a very difficult person. yeah somehow i guess but that difficulty is equalled with some unfathomable greatness too (in a way or another) c",)

im fine now but still hungry all the time. that's a good news 'cause usually when i'm sick i don't want to eat anything, same as everybody i guess. but this time i was quite hungry all the time. i was craving for fruits which i normally don't do. hmn, good, cause maybe finally i'll be able to gain a bit more weight. it may sound strange but yes i wanna gain weight. it has been my eternal dream to get a little fatter. though i receive a lot of compliments for being as slim as i am now, i kinda not appreciate it much. i just wanna get more than 39 kilos. my students adore me for having such a thin body 'cause for them thin is sexy. every Chinese girl no matter fat or no, thinks that she is fat. ugh! only if they know that sometimes i get insulted already when they try to compliment me from being thin. anyways, anyways, whatever ... i'm gonna try to eat more and sleep more so i can grow more hehehe.