i recently paid my homecountry a visit after five years. it didn't feel much the same. i felt sad and dissapointed about many things including personal and social. but how much could my country do for each individual? we gotta find our own tracks. survival is the game! it is sad to remember what elders proudly tell us - that Philippines is one of the richest nations in southeast Asia some fifty years ago. where is it at this moment?
going back home is always one thing that every expat is looking forward to do. but if going back will make you feel that the home you're expecting isn't the home you used to have is quite difficult to understand. how much could i make my country liable for such questions?
four years ago, i wrote on Philippine Daily Inquirer, a daily newspaper online. i reacted on one article from an expat based in the United States. he was openly criticizing our motherland for everything that it was that time. i understood what he meant but i didn't like the idea of turning back from his own "home". it was just my first year abroad and i was very idealistic of everything. i was proud being where i am and being who i am. few years later, i got tired of my job abroad. i didn't find satisfaction in what i am doing. i tried to find an escape and i thought of Philippines as my sanctuary. i talked about nothing else but Philippines. that there, it wasn't like this...there, this could never happen, etc...everything but good things about it forgetting about its flaws which was already present even before i left and not knowing what has worsen. in short i went home feeling excited that i'd be saved from my present problems abroad.
well, i was saved very much...from the utopia i had in my mind about my motherland. yes, i admit i was wrong with my decision. it was not easy for me to admit it because it was my whole idea of going. plus, it was a very special time - i came with my boyfriend who's going to meet my family for the first time, meet my fellow countrymen and experience Philippines himself. leaving a job for the sake of being together is sweet and bitter at the same time. it was a very crucial moment for both of us. much more to me 'cause i have to stay in between my family and him, my country and him. love survived despite of everything though and all ended up well.
but the trauma that has gotten into me for only two months is incomparable. i can't believe i would ever feel like that. everyday when we go out i fear that somebody would point gun to us wanting some money. everynight i would pretend sleeping not to show that i worry a lot but in fact i cannot sleep. i hear every sound from inside and outside the house maybe even sounds from few meters away. i witnessed every tick of the clock the whole night. sometimes i would even get up and turn the lights on outside to keep possible burglars away. as soon as somebody is awake and i can feel the dawn, that's the only time that i would grab some sleep. i cannot sleep too much though 'cause we gotta go somewhere not to burn out ourselves at home. you might think i am such a paranoid but hearing and seeing massacres, hold-up, robbery, and other crimes on tv while you are relaxing one afternoon, i bet you will feel the same. what worsens it is that i start caring also. i used to go out alone midnight on the streets in manila and i wasn't afraid that something wrong might happen. one thing is when you are younger you don't feel much scared of things even dying. but my life is different now in every aspect. i am older and i got someone. i'm afraid to lose and be gone. we stayed at my sister's in Taytay, Rizal. the house is fine but the way isn't that pleasant. we have to pass by the slum area along Pasig river. i have seen how people really lived their lives. the truth is many of Filipinos are lazy. i always refused to believe in the statement that Spaniards told about us before that Filipinos are Indolent. sad reality. poverty in its worst situation. humans are basically not bad but when situation calls...you know what will happen. another reason why i cannot let go of my worries is that in Phils, every "white" person is a "walking dollar". sad but true. we didn't have money to spend a luxurious vacation. we just had enough to survive till we get our next jobs which that time we have no idea yet. we're not grumpy and we don't look bad. will anybody believe us that we have no money? NO! not even my own family. it was hard to understand that someone from abroad has no riches. in the Phils, again, when someone is abroad, he/she must have a lot of money. relatives, neighbors and friends expects you to feed them as a treat and lend them money according to how much they prefer. i got hurt many times with these expectations. i wanted very much to meet them all for i missed them somehow. but meeting them requires something which i cannot give, i had to back-out. VERY SAD REALITY!
we walk on the streets people are smiling, happily talking to each other. thank God there is something positive. we took fx many times, passengers are pleasant - thank God for another good thing. we eat in the foodcourt, restaurants, fastfood chains and service was well. another reason to lift the burden. we took taxi and driver cheated on us, even told me sarcastically "what change are you talking about?" when i asked for my change after paying him the right bill. hugh! back to sad reality. i felt ashamed that i always talk proud about pinoys. i mean the kind of cool "pinoy" i know about. yes there was always good and bad people everywhere in the world. but how come that i found less of these good people right now in my home? it felt enstranged. i feel lost.
actually it only took me a week to regret the decision i made. but it was too late. and it was bound to happen. it gave me a lot of realizations and lessons which still i keep in mind now. if i would only find that guy whose article i criticized before, now i could tell him one thing - that i understand completely what he meant.
but anyhow, no matter what facts there are about my country, it doesn't change that i am a Filipino. i can only make a variation on what kind of a Filipino i am.
a friend told me that "i see what i want" - that's probably true. i saw what i saw now when i was looking for what i have seen before but i didn't find anymore and i don't know if i will ever find again.
my boyfriend has masters in political science and we always have discussions about Philippine situation when we were there. we both are positively looking for answers. and we are both saddened by the fact that hope is nowhere to find in the situation right now. still i refuse to accept that although i felt it very much, keeping aside the nation as a whole, i personally felt the unpleasant change in my family's life.
sigh! i don't want to forget the beauty of my homeland. it is where i originated from and it is always the place to go when we say we "go home". i'm giving all my best wishes and good luck for my country Philippines.
it is where i owe my identity despite of its unpleasant reality.
going back home is always one thing that every expat is looking forward to do. but if going back will make you feel that the home you're expecting isn't the home you used to have is quite difficult to understand. how much could i make my country liable for such questions?
four years ago, i wrote on Philippine Daily Inquirer, a daily newspaper online. i reacted on one article from an expat based in the United States. he was openly criticizing our motherland for everything that it was that time. i understood what he meant but i didn't like the idea of turning back from his own "home". it was just my first year abroad and i was very idealistic of everything. i was proud being where i am and being who i am. few years later, i got tired of my job abroad. i didn't find satisfaction in what i am doing. i tried to find an escape and i thought of Philippines as my sanctuary. i talked about nothing else but Philippines. that there, it wasn't like this...there, this could never happen, etc...everything but good things about it forgetting about its flaws which was already present even before i left and not knowing what has worsen. in short i went home feeling excited that i'd be saved from my present problems abroad.
well, i was saved very much...from the utopia i had in my mind about my motherland. yes, i admit i was wrong with my decision. it was not easy for me to admit it because it was my whole idea of going. plus, it was a very special time - i came with my boyfriend who's going to meet my family for the first time, meet my fellow countrymen and experience Philippines himself. leaving a job for the sake of being together is sweet and bitter at the same time. it was a very crucial moment for both of us. much more to me 'cause i have to stay in between my family and him, my country and him. love survived despite of everything though and all ended up well.
but the trauma that has gotten into me for only two months is incomparable. i can't believe i would ever feel like that. everyday when we go out i fear that somebody would point gun to us wanting some money. everynight i would pretend sleeping not to show that i worry a lot but in fact i cannot sleep. i hear every sound from inside and outside the house maybe even sounds from few meters away. i witnessed every tick of the clock the whole night. sometimes i would even get up and turn the lights on outside to keep possible burglars away. as soon as somebody is awake and i can feel the dawn, that's the only time that i would grab some sleep. i cannot sleep too much though 'cause we gotta go somewhere not to burn out ourselves at home. you might think i am such a paranoid but hearing and seeing massacres, hold-up, robbery, and other crimes on tv while you are relaxing one afternoon, i bet you will feel the same. what worsens it is that i start caring also. i used to go out alone midnight on the streets in manila and i wasn't afraid that something wrong might happen. one thing is when you are younger you don't feel much scared of things even dying. but my life is different now in every aspect. i am older and i got someone. i'm afraid to lose and be gone. we stayed at my sister's in Taytay, Rizal. the house is fine but the way isn't that pleasant. we have to pass by the slum area along Pasig river. i have seen how people really lived their lives. the truth is many of Filipinos are lazy. i always refused to believe in the statement that Spaniards told about us before that Filipinos are Indolent. sad reality. poverty in its worst situation. humans are basically not bad but when situation calls...you know what will happen. another reason why i cannot let go of my worries is that in Phils, every "white" person is a "walking dollar". sad but true. we didn't have money to spend a luxurious vacation. we just had enough to survive till we get our next jobs which that time we have no idea yet. we're not grumpy and we don't look bad. will anybody believe us that we have no money? NO! not even my own family. it was hard to understand that someone from abroad has no riches. in the Phils, again, when someone is abroad, he/she must have a lot of money. relatives, neighbors and friends expects you to feed them as a treat and lend them money according to how much they prefer. i got hurt many times with these expectations. i wanted very much to meet them all for i missed them somehow. but meeting them requires something which i cannot give, i had to back-out. VERY SAD REALITY!
we walk on the streets people are smiling, happily talking to each other. thank God there is something positive. we took fx many times, passengers are pleasant - thank God for another good thing. we eat in the foodcourt, restaurants, fastfood chains and service was well. another reason to lift the burden. we took taxi and driver cheated on us, even told me sarcastically "what change are you talking about?" when i asked for my change after paying him the right bill. hugh! back to sad reality. i felt ashamed that i always talk proud about pinoys. i mean the kind of cool "pinoy" i know about. yes there was always good and bad people everywhere in the world. but how come that i found less of these good people right now in my home? it felt enstranged. i feel lost.
actually it only took me a week to regret the decision i made. but it was too late. and it was bound to happen. it gave me a lot of realizations and lessons which still i keep in mind now. if i would only find that guy whose article i criticized before, now i could tell him one thing - that i understand completely what he meant.
but anyhow, no matter what facts there are about my country, it doesn't change that i am a Filipino. i can only make a variation on what kind of a Filipino i am.
a friend told me that "i see what i want" - that's probably true. i saw what i saw now when i was looking for what i have seen before but i didn't find anymore and i don't know if i will ever find again.
my boyfriend has masters in political science and we always have discussions about Philippine situation when we were there. we both are positively looking for answers. and we are both saddened by the fact that hope is nowhere to find in the situation right now. still i refuse to accept that although i felt it very much, keeping aside the nation as a whole, i personally felt the unpleasant change in my family's life.
sigh! i don't want to forget the beauty of my homeland. it is where i originated from and it is always the place to go when we say we "go home". i'm giving all my best wishes and good luck for my country Philippines.
it is where i owe my identity despite of its unpleasant reality.
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