staRtiNg aNew

i was reviewing my blog yesterday and i didn't feel satisfied of it. i've seen myself not doing enough. have i lost excitement in writing? if i would compare this blog to my old journal and scrapbooks i'd say that i was more active and probably more creative then. i felt bored and uninterested of my own blog. i know it could have been better. but for certain reasons i cannot just make it happen. what is wrong with me? to be fair to myself, it's not just me. you know sometimes, you are so limited by the world around you that you have submitted into it without even noticing it. yes, there are many things which i cannot talk about. things which rather not be liked by certain society regardless of it's reality. it doesn't feel good when you suppress some truth within you. remember when you were young and idealistic? when you felt rebellious of everything? i had the same feeling. but considering my life at the moment, i cannot take any harmful consequences. there is so much to risk. this reminds me of the puzzle "why the older i grow, the more experience i have, the more afraid i become" ? i don't like it that way actually but i have no guts to contradict it. does it come with maturity? with understanding life from a different perspective? with being more tolerant? or just submitting to what life has to offer? maybe "afraid" is not the right term even. i don't know but i crave to understand.

back to not being able to say what i want to. i must be reminded of the saying: "if there's a will, there's always a way". many times it worked for me before, why not make it work now? i will i promise. i wont promise anyone but myself. there's no one else could be more influential to me but myself. i'm not talking about selfishness and self-centeredness. it's just that i can make it work if i'll motivate myself that way.

it's time to move on and get back to being a creative person having interesting thoughts. i don't wanna remember myself being such a lame writer. this is all i can do out of my regular mechanical systematic life. this is how i should add colours to it. i have always liked doing this and so i would!