Somebody said it's when people say they're ok even if they're not.
Or when people say "I'll be fine" even if they know they won't be, somebody added.
"When you convince others that your spouse loves you even if you know that he/she doesn't." , a young woman in her late twenties said.
... laughter came next ... and then silence.
"It is probably the most devastating lie one could ever live with." , a middle-aged man uttered.
"But what is really self-defeating is when people keep on blaming others for everything that is bad in their lives. This is bad, that is bad and that's because of you, him, her and them. Everybody except themselves.", a woman in her early forties added.
I asked if she meant when people point a finger on others while all of their other fingers are pointing at themselves.
She said, yes, because they just keep on letting this bad things continue to happen in their lives instead of waking up and realizing that it is them...and only them can do something to change it. Not their parents, not their neighbors or colleagues neither the government BUT them.
"You can't change others to make it better for you. You can only change you!"
But my point is sometimes it is not a lie that makes people blame others and deny themselves of the guilt. Maybe they aren't even conscious of what they are doing. Maybe it is simply a matter of attitude.
If they are conscious about blaming others for a mistake they in fact are guilty of, then yes, it might be the most self-deafeating because sooner or later guilt will start hunting them and there is no way to run away to.
Don't you think so?
I don't know. I think there are too many people blaming others for the problems in their lives, especially grown children who point to their parents, usually they blame the mother. While everything they say may be true, when you are an adult you have to take responsibility for yourself and get the help you need from professionals or others. You then can create a plan to help you be the success you want to be if you are willing to work at it. Some people don't even need help (from professionals) they just need loving supportive people and they are strong enough to create a good life.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I think that grown people can become so wrapped up in their complaints and bitterness about the past that they do not even see what they are doing and what they are saying. If they keep up with this kind of behavior they will only draw to themselves very negative people who help them stay in a negative place. I've met many of those people as "friends" over the years. It took a awhile for me to realize what they were doing. When I did I had to be honest with them or cut off the friendships. It doesn't help them or me to use the precious time we have and spend it on negative things.
So right. I've met someone who who puts the blame on everybody around her and some whose mother is blamed for her being a "loser" as she says she is. She's an adult and like you said I also think that she should be respobsible for herself or seek professional help.
DeleteI can relate on your experience with people (sometimes friends) who were very negative. It's easier with people you are not friends with, you just stop communicating with them. I had to cut off some friendship for awhile because of that but eventually my friend changed not for me but it was a turning point in her life when she had to chosen to live more positively for her own good.
I think the most self-defeating lie people tell themselves is, "I can't." That gives them an excuse for failure without even trying. There is never any shame in failure, if one genuinely makes an effort.
ReplyDeleteThat's a good point. Indeed "I can't" is self-defeating in the first place.
DeleteYou and your readers all have very good, valid points. We're probably all guilty of this to some extent. The trick is to be aware and do something about it. Good post.
ReplyDeleteAn interesting post. One of the best book titles (and books) I ever read was a small one called "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff." Basically about not letting things bug you that really aren't worth the time or energy. But I think some of that "sweating" involves the blame -- certainly road rage is part of that, a big thing over here. Or being mad at the umpire or referee in a sporting game. It's not quite self-defeating, but it does affect at how you look at the truths of life.
ReplyDeleteI've read that book and was one of my well-remembered ones.
DeleteI'm guilty of the first too and Ill never change. Isn't there a movie called lies people tell each other?
ReplyDeleteI haven't seen that movie but would love too.
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